Fashion baffles me. I don’t get it at all and I never will. People say that fashion is a form of self-expression. If that’s true, I’ve basically been stuck in a stutter every since my parents stopped dressing me. I wonder what my clothes say about me? No I don’t. I know what they say about me. They say, “This guy buys all his clothes at Uni Qlo.” Or they say, “This guy doesn’t wear clothes because he enjoys them. He wears clothes because he has to.”
Not that I want to be naked or anything. I’m just saying, if society didn’t expect me to wear a shirt and jeans, as opposed to, I don’t know, some Underoos, I’d probably be at the bar looking like Shazam.
Here in Korea, which, I’m told, is “fashion forward,” I get to see a lot of different looks. I won’t lie, I’m often impressed
by how well the Koreans and the ex-pat teachers dress. But once in awhile I see things and I think, “Hmm. I couldn’t do that.” It isn’t that these things are bad, per say, they just aren’t possibilities for me, for a variety of reasons. So here, directly below, are four things I’ve seen recently that I don’t understand.
Exhibit A: Coat with No Sleeves
It’s cold outside. Real cold. You put on your coat to warm up. But then you realize that your coat has no sleeves. Your arms are still exposed to the bitter cold. What kind of loopy coat is this? Is this some sort of lame joke, like the solar powered flashlight or the book on how to read? How can a coat have no sleeves? That’s like buying deodorant that smells like B.O.!
Okay, in all seriousness, the sleeveless coat is kind of cool looking. If I had muscles, maybe I would wear a vest coat. Scratch that. As cool as it looks, the practical aspect of the sleeveless coat is too much for me to handle. A coat has a specific purpose, which is to keep me warm. And since I don’t have muscles to help with that, I need sleeves.
Exhibit B: Headphones around the neck
I like the look of the sleeveless coat (which some people might call a “vest”); on the contrary, I feel wearing headphones around your neck while in a social setting makes you look like a douche bag. I don’t know why…they’re just headphones…but damn, man, why are they around your neck? What are you, a DJ? Go play some techno then, and stop hitting on the cute girls in the bar. To me, wearing headphones around the neck is as obnoxious as some dude in a band wearing his guitar around his shoulder all night. Listen, DJ Shadow, get your giant headphones off your neck before they give you scoliosis. Cause you’re annoying me.
Exhibit C: Glasses with no lenses (or glasses with plastic lenses)
Wearing glasses with no lenses reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Costanza pretended he was wheelchair bound so people would be nicer to him. Glasses make a person look smarter, and glasses can be sexy. But the thing is, you actually have to NEED glasses for these things to be true. Wearing glasses frames alone doesn’t cut it. You must deserve to wear glasses. Personally, I think it’s pretty interesting when someone has a cast on his arm. You don’t see me walking around with some fake cast, do you? No, that would be ridiculous. Only people with broken bones get to wear casts. And only people with vision problems should get to wear glasses. That’s the way God intended it when he made vision problems and glasses.
Exhibit D: Ear Hoodie
Now, this isn’t something a guy would wear anyhow, although it would be hilarious if I started showing up places with the “ear hoodie” on. The “ear hoodie” is more of a kid thing – my girl students at school wear them. It’s not just for Halloween or something; they wear them daily. Is it adorable? Absolutely, 100% yes. However, like Underoos, one can reach an age where wearing the “ear hoodie” becomes creepy. You know how you have to be 18 to smoke? Well, there should be a law saying only people under 14 can purchase the “ear hoodie.” They should check IDs. “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to need to see some identification. Oh, you’re 17…under law I can’t allow you to purchase this item.” And if you’re dating a Korean girl and she wears the “ear hoodie,” you really should be ashamed of yourself. It’s questionable to want to dress your Korean girlfriend up in a school girl uniform; the “ear hoodie” is totally over the line. If you want your girlfriend to have teddy bear ears on her head, you’re a disgusting Westerner. Remember, she never would’ve dated you in the first place if you didn’t have those glasses and the headphones around your neck.
Hmm, maybe this post is getting a bit mean. It’s further proof that fashion brings out the worst in me. If you wear any of these things, I still love you. All I ask in return is that you love me, and my Uni Qlo sweater vests.