Did You See the Modern Art, Or Were You Too Busy Having Sex?


blog artAt some point in my life, I made the decision that I would buy into modern art hook, line, and sinker. It didn’t matter what the genre was – abstract or pop, land art or performance art – it would inevitably knock my socks off and have me screaming “genius!” from the rooftops. Pollock, Breton, Ernst, Man Ray – these men were all masters, even better than those old people from Italy. Later I would discover conceptual art, and it would put my mind in a perpetual state of blown.

This is the story of how I visited the MUseum MOderner Kunst – or MUMOK – in Vienna, Austria, and had a profound experience there. Yes, it centered around horny teenagers, but it was profound nonetheless. Its memory still echoes in my intellect whenever something reminds me of art, like someone says a word that begins with “neo” or “post” for instance.

blog mumokIt only took about two minutes inside the MUMOK for me to be impressed. There was brilliance, brilliance everywhere! One painting hung on the wall at the height of my knee; the description next to it explained that the purpose was to challenge the way people view art, our expectations, the assumption that paintings must always be displayed at eye-level. I nodded, approving. That was excellence, right there, adjacent to my kneecap. Another piece could best be described as a monitor on the wall, a black and white image flickering on it, showing some random items. Again, I turned to the description. This artist was also challenging the way galleries display art. He had gotten permission to bury his artwork under the floor of the museum, and was broadcasting it in via video camera.

“Holy shit!” my internal voice shouted. “That’s ingenious! I’m looking at the art, and at the same time, I’m STANDING ON IT!”

But it was at a different exhibit where the truly profound incident would occur. I found myself standing at the entrance to a pitch black hallway, loud sounds bursting from within.  I was a little bit afraid, scared to enter, as if some artist was waiting in the shadows, ready to leap out and yell “Dada!” But the description of the exhibit sounded interesting, something about projected images together with non-synchronized sounds, and so I walked down the dark hallway, until I reached a small room where a projector cast bright pictures onto the wall opposite.

There was a man standing in the corner of the room, and he caught my attention. He was in his mid-forties, and he looked anxious and uncomfortable. The man glanced at me, then quickly turned his head away. I wondered why he was in the corner, and why he seemed so awkward. I shifted my attention to the front of the room, and that’s when I saw it.

There were two teenagers, probably highschoolers, a boy and a girl, sitting on the bench in the front of the room, making out heavily. They were really going at it, attacking each other’s mouths, their tongues twirling together like colors in a candy cane. I looked back over to the other guy, just in time to see him flee the room. There was no way anyone could assess the art with this going on. They were impossible to ignore. It felt embarrassing to be in there, the two lovebirds were so into each other they were oblivious to any onlookers, and suddenly I felt like a peeping tom. It was as if I was the one behaving inappropriately, a dude in his thirties, standing in the back of a dark room, trying not to stare at two kissing kids and failing.

So I did what my predecessor had done, and I shuffled myself out of the exhibit. It wasn’t until later that the magnitude of it hit me. By coincidence, I had experienced something incredibly singular. Of all the people that would view that exhibit, how many would encounter the same thoughts and emotions that I had? Instead of analyzing something about the congruence between sound and picture, I had undergone a real life experience. So many things went through my head, about age, love, intimacy, innocence, envy, curiosity…those fuckers and their hormones had taken that art piece and shaken it up, flipped it on its head, replaced something cerebral with something purely evocative. They might not have known it, but clearly they were brilliant.

blog light mumokNow my mind was going. Every second, anyone in that gallery had the ability, if they wanted, to alter the reaction to the works on display. What if I stood next to one exhibit all day and just danced, did the electric slide or something? That would change perspective, wouldn’t it? The sensibility of the viewer, break the connection between person and idea. Especially if the artist put me there, if it was the artist’s idea for me to moon walk around their sculpture.

I left the MUMOK convinced that there was great meaning to what had just happened, although I wasn’t sure what. As I walked away, I wondered if the couple was still there in that dark room. I imagined going back, stepping inside, finding them curled up on the floor together, sharing a cigarette and discussing baby names, while random pictures and sounds spread out all around them.


20 thoughts on “Did You See the Modern Art, Or Were You Too Busy Having Sex?

  1. I just watched the last two episodes of the anime Evangelion tonight. The first 24 are mostly action and plot with occasional psychological interludes, but the last two take place entirely in the main characters’ heads and consist of almost nothing but dialogue and imagery. I thought it was brilliant.

    So reading this post at this exact moment really resonated with me, is what I’m saying.

  2. I’m not much of a modern art fan, but if I lacked common sense and had loads of time and money, I’d put “messing with modern art exhibits” at the top of my to do list. Funny post with a point that I chose to completely ignore, as I pondered what inane things I could do standing next to modern art.

    • Lol! I think that’s great. Like you could sit next to something with a bunch of bananas and eat one every 20 minutes, on the dot. And people would be like, “A banana…20 minutes…what does it mean?” I think that would be brilliant. Messing with modern art exhibits should absolutely become your new hobby. : )

  3. nah, not my type at all. If a 5 year old could do exactly that kind of art, a dash of line, a few colors here and there….. nope…. I guess I’m old school…. U know, I saw a ” painting ” of one white blank canvas with a small dot in the middle. The dot is a human in the vastness of the universe that is the blank canvas. 6.6 $500.00 tag price.

    • See, I think the dot thing has too much meaning. There should be no explanation, that’s better. Modern painting, for the most part, should be purely emotive, not literal like that. Oh, Ren, you’re missing out. You need to spend a week doing nothing but pondering Franz Kline’s black lines or Banks Violette’s heavy installations…they’re wonderful. This is where it’s at girl! What is the meaning? Who knows?!?!

      Come on girl! Get pretentious!

    • Happy 2013 Isabella! Are you, um, planning on visiting Vienna? Cause it’s awesome. Lots of great art – it was cool to see The Kiss (you know it, famous painting, on lots of umbrellas and handbags and stuff) in person. : )

      Thanks Isabella! : )

      • vienna is on my list of places to visit 🙂 i wanna go to schonbrunn palace, it’s such a shame that i only get to pass through vienna because of the airport. hahaha the kiss huh? sounds interesting, handbags and umbrella and all. have a nice day bill 🙂

    • Haha. Nah man, it’s cool to have people interacting with the art. Maybe it would be neat to have some child abuse going on next to an installation. Like the parent is yelling at the kid, then slaps him, then picks up the art and starts beating the child with the art. That would get an interesting reaction, eh?

  4. i am just wondering regarding the ‘live’ exhibit of the teenagers making… how do they go about it whole day long…do they have loo or lunch breaks…what if the male ejaculates…how does he ‘reboot’…or is there another pair of teenagers taking over the ‘2nd set’ … just really curious you know… 🙂

    • Lol! All good points. He must have taken some Cialis, and maybe they would rotate girls to spice things up, add variety. For bathroom breaks…catheter?

      Thanks for the comment – funny stuff. : )

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