No, I Have No Expereince in this Field, But I’ve Studied It Thoroughly By Watching TV


Seeing that my work contract will expire in about two months, it would seem like a good time to start looking for a new job.  Most people, when faced with the prospect of looming unemployment, tend to do things like sending out resumes and filling out applications.  That approach, while proven to be effective, leaves me cold.  I prefer to sit in my apartment and watch movies and let the jobs come to me.  As of this writing, I have not received any job offers, but that should change.  Employers just need to start looking a little harder and they are sure to find me.

Once in awhile I start feeling froggy and I look at job listings online.  It’s a good way to see what’s out there.  Doing this got me thinking, though, that job listings themselves could be much more helpful if employers described what they were looking for a bit better.  I don’t mean in terms of job qualifications; management, like a Hollywood casting director, surely has something in mind before they start interviewing, and it would be nice to know what that is.  In other words, there must be someone who fits the part, not simply looks wise, but in terms of personality also.  Because jobs are not only titles – they’re roles, too.  While I could get hired for the same job as anyone, it would be very unlikely that we would fill it the same way.  We would more likely create our own distinct roles out of it, just like how two people can sing the same song and both versions can sound different.   

Let me give you an example.  I see a lot of listings for “Teacher.”  Sometimes it will say “English Teacher” or “Math Teacher” or maybe “Qualified Teacher.”  That’s fine, but what role is the employer really looking for?  I would prefer to see something like this:

Wanted: Bright-eyed, Optimistic Young Teacher Fresh out of College Wanting to Make a Difference.

See, if that’s what they’re looking for, I would not apply for that job.  However, I might later see this:

Wanted: Disillusioned Veteran Teacher, Tired of the System, Looking to Teach Lessons and Otherwise Be Left Alone.

Perfect!  Now THAT’S a position I would apply for!  I could fill that role perfectly, like a screenwriter wrote it with me in mind.

There are other roles I could fill that don’t have to do with teaching.  There are arenas of employment where I would fail as a normal worker but excel if expected to fulfill one specific function.  Since I watch a lot of movies, I am hyper aware of what these are.  So listed below are a few positions I could surely fill with gusto, audacity, and exuberance:

“Don’t worry – it’s a toy. My kid traded me it for my real one.”

Wanted: Cop Who Breaks All the Rules

Normally, this cop is a real badass, like Dirty Harry or Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.  I could absolutely break all the rules, although I might go a different route with it.  For instance, maybe I wouldn’t get to work on time.  There might be grammar mistakes in my reports.  As I don’t have the capacity to kill, I would carry a toy gun.  Maybe I would forget my badge and have to flash my Costco card.  Things of that nature.  At the end of the day, rules would certainly be broken.  That’s what’s important.  Never mind that no arrests were made. 

“Hello. I’m Jell-o. What’s your favorite flavor of me?”

Wanted: Mad Scientist

Could I be a scientist?  No freaking way.  I don’t understand things like chemistry, physics, gravity, how to turn on a light, and apart from taking some shots at bars during college, I have no test tube experience.  That said, basic scientific knowledge is not required for a scientist who is “mad.”  All I would have to do is bleach my hair white and make it huge and frizzy.  I’d have to have a lab coat and a hunchback to assist me.  I could make talking Jell-o or something, which wouldn’t be hard, as I’d only have to throw my voice and have the hunchback manipulate the Jell-o from the ceiling with strings.  The downside is that I’m not sure how much money I would make, and therefore I might not be able to afford the hunchback or the Jell-o.

Wanted: Novice Defense Attorney Who Believes in Justice to Defend Innocent Man

This is the easiest job on the planet.  Yes, it looks bleak, as I, the Novice-Defense-Attorney-Who-Believes-in-Justice, have the odds stacked against me.  True, although my client is innocent, there is a ton of manipulated evidence.  I’m not worried.  I only have to be patient and wait for this to transpire:

JUDGE: May the Prosecution call the next witness.

WITNESS: Yeah, I saw the defendant…he had a gun…

DEFENDANT/MY CLIENT: (Jumps up in a rage) He’s LYING!  That never happened!  He’s a liar!

JUDGE: Sit down!  You’ll have your opportunity to speak.  Counsel (speaking to me), if there’s another outburst from your client, I’ll have to hold him in contempt of court.  Now let’s have the witness continue.

WITNESS: – says another lie –

DEFENDANT/MY CLIENT: (Jumping up again) LIES!  Who told you to say these things!  LIES!

JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order!  Order!

See, once that happens, it’s over.  Everyone knows he’s innocent after that.  Look at the passion he proclaims his innocence with and his refusal to be silenced!  I don’t even have to do anything.  The contempt-of-court-proclamation-of-innocence scene always sways the jury.  And then, once he’s freed, my belief in the system will be affirmed and I can lose my next 40 cases a happy man.

WANTED: Hooker with a Heart of Gold

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want this job, but I think I’d be good at it.  I listen.  I can be gentle and tender.  If you cry, I will not laugh at you until you leave.  And I would charge fair prices, especially if you are a broke mad scientist or hunchback trying to pay with talking Jell-o.

There are many roles in life we can fill.  It takes some creativity and maybe a few more adjectives in the listings.  Two months until unemployment?  I scoff.  It’s two months until endless opportunity, my friends.