There Is No Good Excuse for Killing the Terrier (And Not the Poodle)


Fathers often do marvelous and amazing things for their daughters.  The story in today’s blog is a prime example of this.  It was told to me by a Korean girl that I went on two dates with awhile ago.  Since we both decided we weren’t interested in pursuing something further, I never got a chance to meet her father.  He sounds like a good guy.  Sure, he’s not an animal lover.  That’s okay.  He’s a people lover.  In this regard, he is a lot like a dog himself (you know, cause dogs love people but try to fight other dogs…oh forget it…stretched metaphor).

For the sake of simplicity, let’s call the girl I had two dates with ‘Roly Poly.’  Not because she was fat (she wasn’t), but because that’s a catchy tune.  And let’s stick with the T-ara motif and call her sister ‘Bo Peep.’  Anyways, Roly Poly and Bo Peep were both in their late twenties and lived at home in an apartment with their parents.  They had two dogs.  One was a nice, quiet poodle.  The poodle never

"Inside, I know I could be a guard dog if someone would only give me the chance"

really called attention to itself, perhaps because it was ashamed to be a poodle (it must be hell to be a male poodle…oh the identity issues).  The other dog was a terrier.  Unlike the poodle, the terrier was loud and would, as dogs sometimes do, bark.  People in the home were bothered by the terrier.  There is nothing more irritating in this world than a yippy dog that wants attention and can’t stay quiet, which must be why God invented the cat.

Koreans don’t like cats.  But that’s an issue to tackle another day, so let’s move on.

After a few years went by, something terrible happened.  Bo Peep was diagnosed with cancer.  She became ill.  Now, personally, I’ve never heard of cancer being worsened by dog hair, but apparently this can happen.  The doctors told the family that Bo Peep’s illness was being agitated by the presence of the dogs in the apartment.  If she was going to stay in the home, the dogs were going to be a problem.  Knowing now that dogs can worsen a person’s health, if I ever get cancer, I will be sure to stay away from unattractive women.

One fine spring day, Bo Peep’s father called the terrier.  “Let’s go outside and play,” he said (that’s not a direct quote – I wasn’t there).  Actually, he called both dogs but the poodle didn’t respond.  The terrier was happy to go; he hopped up into the car like a kid going to Disneyland.  The father took the terrier to a field, and led him to a tree.  He tied the terrier to the tree and left it.  Drove back home.  The terrier, meanwhile, was stuck to the tree, wagging its tail and waiting.

“Why’d he have to tie it up?” I asked Roly Poly.  “Couldn’t he just let the terrier go free?”

“He didn’t want the terrier to follow him.”

The next day, the family noticed the terrier was missing (yes, it took them awhile to realize this – kind of like how they kept forgetting about Kevin in the Home Alone movies).  Bo Peep was furious.  She demanded that her father take her to the field so they could get the terrier.  He did, but when they reached the tree, the terrier wasn’t there.  The rope was gone and there wasn’t any sign of it.

“You know what I think?” I said to Roly Poly.  “No offense, but I think your father used Bo Peep’s cancer as an excuse to get rid of the terrier.  I mean, why didn’t he tie the poodle to a tree?”

“The poodle didn’t come when he called.”

“Yeah…it’s a poodle though.  He could’ve picked it up.”

"I wonder what happened to Sparky? No, I'm not having the soup tonight...Daddy said it would be bad for my cancer."

“It was okay to keep the poodle.”

“I don’t think health is the issue here.  I think that guy hated the terrier.”

“The terrier was annoying…it’s true.”

So there you have it.  The happy ending to this tale is that Bo Peep was able to make a full recovery and beat cancer.  The fate of the terrier remains a mystery.  Maybe it was taken into a better home, or it was released to survive on its own, or it was turned into a soup.  We will never know.  At the same time, the poodle must have some kind of PTSD guilt going on.  Every time someone eats ramen, the poor poodle must smell that hot broth and think, “It should’ve been me.”


6 thoughts on “There Is No Good Excuse for Killing the Terrier (And Not the Poodle)

  1. This is sheer disturbance, Bill. What the hell is wrong with people??? Clearly, the father should be ASHAMED of what he did. You don’t tie a terrier to a tree… You tie a poodle to a tree. *Those* are the annoying dogs.

  2. I find it hard to like this post, because I just don’t think tying a dog to a tree and leaving it to die should ever be condoned.

    And you tagged this under humor? Questionable, dude!

    • The dog might have survived and gone on to live a happy and fulfilling life. I think that whatever one imagines happening to the dog says a lot about how optimistic/pessimistic one is. That dog…it could be in Hollywood for all we know. He could be Air Bud’s new point guard!

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