Basketball, Blow Jobs, and Burying the Cat

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The man I’ve always wanted to be.

Back around Christmas time, C-Batz and I were riding the bus back to my apartment with the beetles we’d bought for the Korean orphans (don’t ask, long story).  It had been a few weeks since my silly ear hoodie post got Freshly Pressed and suddenly my blog was getting a lot more hits.  I turned to C-Batz, who writes a good blog herself, and asked her a question.

“Hey,” I said.  “Would you say I write kind of a chick blog?”

“Not really,” she said.  “Why?”

“I looked through the people that read it,” I told her, “and I noticed that substantially more women follow it than men.  Do you think it’s kind of, I dunno, not something a guy would read?  Maybe there’s too much about dating and being neurotic and I’m not writing about real guy stuff.”

I had asked C-Batz on purpose, because she has a good head on her and can offer interesting feedback.  “Well,” she said, “it’s a personal blog, and I don’t know if a ton of guys read personal blogs.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…what do you write about?  You, pretty much.  I think that most of the time, guys tend to read about topics that interest them.  Guys read blogs about politics or sports or something.”

I nodded.  What she said made sense.  “Guys want to read about, say, basketball.”

“Sure,” she said, losing interest.

“Well then,” I said, the light bulb above my head flickering, “I like basketball!  I’ll start writing a blog about basketball.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to be more of a dude.  This will be great!  I can write about basketball and talk to guys in the comment section.  About basketball!”

C-Batz thought for a second.  “You really don’t have many good male friends, do you?”

“None right now,” I informed her.  “They all left in September.  This beetle is the closest thing I’ve had to a male friend in months.”

I’m not sure what she said next.  I was already writing expert basketball analysis in my head.

*

I was still thinking about my lack of male friends when I got an invitation to join some people out at a bar.  I accepted this invitation, as they were people and a bar was involved.  How someone says ‘no’ to that, I have no idea.  When I arrived, I quickly noticed that there weren’t any other dudes in the group.  Their omission was highly conspicuous.

“We’re playing truth or dare,” one of the many women at the table said.

“Truth or dare?” I repeated in question form.  What was going on here, and where were the other guys?

“Yeah,” another girl said, “it’s girls’ night out tonight.  We’re gonna do some blow job shots and then go dancing!”

“Girls’ night out?  What am I…like your gay friend or something?”

“Oh stop it,” Taryn said.  “Hey, somebody order Bill a blow job.”

“I don’t want a blow job!”

“Whatever,” Gabby Cat said.  “Truth or dare?”

The bartender came over with a bunch of blow job shots.  Thankfully there wasn’t one for me.  The girls put their arms behind their backs and downed them look-no-hands-style while I sat there befuddled.  “Truth.”

“Okay.  Who’s the last girl you slept with?”

“Jesus!  I’m not answering that!”

“Hey, you picked ‘truth.’”

“I didn’t think it would be so specific.”

“Don’t worry.  We’ll all answer it.”

I looked around at the sweet and innocent faces of my female friends.  “Um, I don’t think I want to know that information.  Are there really no more guys coming out tonight?”

In truth, this has been a problem all my life.  I’ve always had difficulty making friends with guys and have simultaneously always had a very easy time talking with and making friendships with women.  I don’t know what it is exactly…I’m fascinated by girls and am typically very comfortable talking to them.  On the other hand, I get uncomfortable around guys.  I don’t feel guyish enough, which is odd because I’m very much a normal sex/sports/drinking kind of dude myself.  Maybe it’s my softer side, the side that loves old musicals and hates lifting anything.  And cars.  I don’t find cars interesting.  Unless we’re talking about the Gary Newman song.

After the girls got more blow jobs, we were off to the dance club.  I pictured my future.  I saw a large circle of women, dancing and having a grand old time, and then there was me, a ring in their chain, throwing my arms up and mouthing Rihanna lyrics.  It was not a pretty picture.

“I like being around women,” I thought, “but I don’t want to BE one of the girls.”

Being a guy is pretty great.  When the girls went off to dance I stayed at the table alone, smoked, drank most of the vodka they’d ordered, and scratched myself just for good measure.

*

Way back in the day when I used to go to therapy with Dr. Robyn, she would tell me that my insecurity around men stemmed from how intimidated I was by my father growing up.  He was an intense dude, with a clearly defined image of what a ‘man’ is supposed to be.  I remember once he knocked on my bedroom door, and when I opened it he thrust a plastic bag in my face.  Our pet cat was inside.  “A man buries his animal,” my father said, handing me the dead cat and a shovel.  “Go bury Tiger.”

And I did.  He also told me that I would become a man the day I beat him at arm wrestling.  I was maybe ten at the time, and I guess he just assumed I would eventually be able to do that.  Unfortunately, I still can’t take the bastard, which makes me a big kid with a buried cat.  Maybe when he’s 80ish I’ll finally achieve manhood.

Lately, I’ve been able to make a few guy friends, without having to resort to a lame basketball blog.  I guess the best thing to do sometimes is just to accept who you are, stop wondering what’s wrong with you, and, most importantly, to never, ever choose ‘truth’ during girls’ night out.

*

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27 thoughts on “Basketball, Blow Jobs, and Burying the Cat

  1. There was a brief time in college when I was the only guy in my group of guy friends that was 21. All of the girls I was hanging out with all turned 21 around the same time I did, so pretty much the only people I was going to he bar with for a few months was girls. There were a lot of, um, tiara’s and “It’s my birthday” shirts. I know where you are coming from.

    Anyway, I’m a dude. I like sports and drinking and girls. And I am now reading/following your blog.

    • Fuckin’ A! Excellent. Girls are crazy when they go out, eh? Guys night out is so much better…just a lot of cursing and leering and drinking lots and lots of beer. Anyways, thanks Timmer – cheers!

  2. You forget how women make up the majority of bloggers anyway so naturally we would dominate your blog 🙂

    I think I just lost it when I read your description of ladies night {with Bill}, particularly you mouthing to a Rihanna song {inset you dancing in the bathroom}.

    • Do women make up the majority of bloggers? I did not know that – very interesting. Learn something new every day. Is there any reason for that? Fill a guy in.

      I can be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it/Sex in the air, I don’t care, I need an air freshener – sing along, Cara! (lyrics might be slightly off)

  3. There are more women bloggers, I guess. In my case, I have more male followers, I think, but they tend to be lurkers, hahaha. Once in a while, I check out who has viewed my blog… more males, but they don’t comment, except the ” regulars”.. in fact , the 5 most commenters are males.

    But I actually write for females and I guess male readers cringe at my posts, he he he… too chick blog. But my overwhelmingly male readers do prevent me from posting about FASHION and COOKING , with recipes, and all that. Aaargh.

    • That’s hilarious that you have “lurkers”…I can definitely see that happening. Blog stalkers. Do you ever get weird, creepy messages? “I read your blog about how you look like the girl on Glee, and I want you to know that I get that all the time too and that I think we understand each other.” Something like that…

      I don’t think your blog is super chic oriented. But that’s an interesting question: who do you write for? I guess I try to write for a general audience…for instance, I go out of my way to make sure there’s a limit on the swearing in the blog. Not sure. Anyways, I will admit that I skimmed your Christmas post with all the food pictures in it, so perhaps you’ve got the right idea about content limitations. haha : D

      • I don’t know who I write for, to be honest, Well, uhm, you know HOW I write, ahahaha, topicless, themeless, just whatever comes, anything goes. But since I’m female, my brain is wired to think differently from males. I don’t know anything about sports, I can’t talk about interesting adventures, I’m a school-home – work person, what you read is what you get, he he he. Ugh. I think I’m boring.

      • Yeah, I mean, obviously you’re a boring person, but you’re not a boring writer. I’m always entertained when you put something new up every two months or so. Actually, I was joking earlier…you aren’t a boring person. Boring people have houses and significant others and stuff like that. You have about a year or so before you get boring. haha

  4. gaila15

    (he said just) Walk like a man
    Talk like a man
    Walk like a man my son
    No woman’s worth
    Crawling on the earth
    Just walk like a man my son

    OooooooOOOOOOOooooooo…walk…walk 🙂

    • YES! A little Frankie Valley for this Wednesday morning – tasty! You know what, I never registered some of those lyrics…”No woman’s worth, crawling on the earth, just walk like a man my son.” I’m seriously a bit inspired by that. Thanks!

  5. So now I’m worried because I have no women followers on my blog. Does that mean I write like a guy? I mostly write about the law, being in law school and my journey to becoming a lawyer. I don’t think this is particularly “not” female banter. In fact, law school is pretty non-discriminating in that it beats us all down, men or women. Equality! Gotta love it.

    Nice post, Bill. Made me laugh again. Don’t think I’ve ever heard of a man turning down a blow job. Glad you stood your ground! THAT’s manly!

    • Hey Legal – At one point in my life I read the autobiography of Judge Mathis and decided I wanted to be a judge, and I took some practice LSATs. That’s the closest I got to law school. I’m sure it’s extremely difficult…although it’s a very interesting field and if I had my shit together when I was younger, I could me myself digging it.

      Yeah, I had to tell the girls to stop offering me blow jobs. It’s a sad, sad life I lead. : D

  6. I was also accidentally sucked into a girl’s night, probably with some of the same people, and much the same experience. I also wrangled my way out of doing a blow job.

    Also, hey! I’m a male friend! Let’s hang out. And not talk about basketball.

    • Hey man! We were SUPPOSED to get girlfriends that one night and you bailed at like 10:00. Actually, come to Cheap Shots tomorrow – I went to trivia last week ’cause we had the day off and unfortunately won, so I have to go do some lame rounds tomorrow. Weep, weep.

      • It’s funny you say that – I don’t like it either. It’s too western. I feel like the expat community is kind of segregating itself from Koreans more and more and I don’t like it! There’s no mix at O’malley’s or Cheap Shots. It sucks. I say we go all Korean HOF from now on!

        And Who’s Bar. That’s okay. At least Semi and Hoon will go there.

      • Thank you! I’ve been feeling exactly the same. Not that I dislike Westerners, I just find it weird living in Korea and seeking out a place where there are no Koreans so frequently. At least trivia at Goose always had random Koreans lingering around on the fringes wondering what the hell was going on.

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