Who’s Jeff? Oh That’s Right – I’m Jeff!


Maybe I’m romantic about everything, but online dating reminds me of a Jane Austen book.  It’s all about sending and receiving letters and trying to interpret them, although today we’re more cynical, so none of the email exchanges remotely resemble the type of love letters Wentworth sent to Anne Elliot in Persuasion.  It’s more like dipping your toe in the water to see how hot or cold or desperate it is.  You ask the person about their job, what they like to do, where they are in the profile pic – it’s all very hesitant.  In reality there are so many more pressing things to ask about.  Like if the person has somebody tied up in the basement, or if that profile pic was taken 10 years and 30 pounds ago, or, really, if that person is ever going to take the plunge into the pool and agree to meet up with you.

Or maybe that’s just me and I’m doing everything wrong.  One time I asked a friend what he said in messages he’d send to women on his online dating site.  He thought for a minute and said, “Hmm…I usually say something about the profile and small talk.  But sometimes I go for it and say ‘You’re fucking hot.  I want to meet up with you this weekend.’”  Apparently both had similar success rates.  I would never be able to say anything so forward.  I was brought up with old fashioned values.  I’m the type of guy who likes to ask a father’s permission before I email his daughter a picture of my penis.  That’s the kind of respect I have for people.  When I purchase prostitutes, I demand we go out for dinner and a movie first.  I treat my ladies right.  And trust me, nothing gets a hooker in the mood like Denny’s and a little Nora Ephron.

Anyways, I digress.  The online thing is going okay.  I’ve had a couple dates with one woman, and they’ve gone pretty well (Can they be called ‘dates’?  She might disagree.  For a compromise, how about I call them ‘dates’ and she can call them something else.).  Nothing serious of course, no expectations.  Keeping my options open.  Got a few other blossoming relationships going that are still in the email stage.  I have to say, with the whole online thing, my comprehension of the ‘base system’ is all out of whack; I used to think a kiss was first base, but now, to me, getting to first base means she’s accepted my request on Skype.

Second base?  Switching from chat to a video call.

Online dating also allows a person to have some fun situations that otherwise probably wouldn’t happen.  For instance, there’s one girl that’s been interested enough to reply to my messages quite a few times.  I shot her a message on Sunday, just asking her how her weekend was.  She replied with this: “Good, thanks!  How are you, Jeff?”

Jeff?  Who the fuck is Jeff?  Had she seriously confused me with some other dude?  At first I was a bit taken aback, having been called some other guy’s name.  How should I respond?  I figured it would be awkward to correct her or even point out her slip up.  Maybe the best thing would be to send a normal reply and say something subtle to quietly point out the mistake.  “My weekend was great.  Sincerely, Not Jeff.”

Then, after a few minutes of deliberation, I decided to go with this: “Hey.  My weekend was pretty good.  Hung out with friends.  If you have the time this week, would you like to meet up for coffee?”

That’s right – I went a whole different route with it.  I figured that maybe this Jeff guy is doing a lot better than I am, and I could use the confusion to my advantage.  I mean, if she said ‘no,’ really she meant to reject Jeff, so there would be no need to feel bad about it.  And if she accepted…well, I could play along and pretend I’m Jeff.  I have no problem with that.

“Oh Jeff!” she’d say.  “I loved your profile.  You’re such an interesting person!”

“Yeah!  Don’t I know it!  But let’s not talk about any of that interesting personal stuff.  Do you like kim bap?”

So things are going well.  Even if I’m not getting anywhere with the ladies, at least I’m honing my letter writing skills.  Like I’m Mr. Darcy.  Mr. Jeff Darcy.  Actually, I’ve never read anything by Jane Austen.  I’ve only seen the movie version of Sense and Sensibility once.  I liked it, but the hooker was a little bored.



36 thoughts on “Who’s Jeff? Oh That’s Right – I’m Jeff!

  1. Online dating is the new trend, I guess. I hear there are a lot of success stories. But, aren’t there any girls in the vicinity? Workplace? Friend of a friend? Just be careful. I’ve heard of quite a few horror stories, like there’s one where the girl is 50 lbs . overweight. She posted her HS pic when she was actually a cheerleader. And then there’s the guy who’s balding in person.

    Well, anyway, good luck, Topicless ! ! Have fun !

    • LOL! If I posted my HS pic I would look…about the same, sadly. Yeah, you’re right – preferably I would meet someone in person. I’m having fun with the online thing cause it’s zany and I’m not taking it too seriously.

      Now, Ren, we need to talk about you for a second. What happened with the guy from Valentine’s Day?

      • Ah ! Haven’t you read my new post ? We had dinner at …. Olive Garden, he he he. I posted a picture of the teddy bear and the box of chocos that he gave me. Go there, and read meeeee ! ! o.O

  2. E.

    o Sense and Sensibility sucks, Jeff*! you should see Pride and Prejudice, not the recent one with the skinny girl who also starred in Pirates of the Caribbean, but the British mini TV series in 1995. and hey, i like Mr Darcy. and love letters are great. man! if only i could find a guy who could write me love letters.

    *yes, you’re Jeff!

    • I thought Sense and Sensibility was okay. I actually saw Pride and Prejudice with the skinny girl and loved it! I was dragged to it and was not looking forward but ending up really digging it.

      I would like to try writing an actual love letter. I think I did once and it was fairly good. I bet…I bet Jeff writes a mean love letter, that bastard! haha

      • E.

        i like the one with the skinny girl as well, but i think the 1995 one is better. and the book has always been my favourite.

        i don’t think that Jeff guy can even write a decent letter.

  3. judithsmarkworld

    I used not to believe in online dating but my current bf wrote me on a dating site ….and I’ve gotta say I still got my head in the clouds.

  4. judithsmarkworld

    Here I go posting a second time…. starts to be a habit!
    I wanted to add that hopefully we will be adding a testimonial pretty soon on that site. I say online dationg opens new possibilities. The coworker or friend of friend of friend rarely meets ur standards. Every body is onlikne these days.

    • Hopefully others will too, because if this “Jeff Plan” works out, I’ll have to legally change my name to Jeff. It’ll be a period of adjustment for some people I think. Namely me.

  5. Junbi

    Consonant vowel double-consonant…its pretty close, really. Maybe she just forgot your name? Or slipped up and called you by the name of some other foreign person she knows?

    • Kit, Kit, Kit…how can I ever make this mistake up to you? Can we start over? You also changed your picture and it’s like I don’t even know you any more. I was so used to you being an ear. ❤

      • you want me to bring back my ear? i just miss my henna, it’s gone now so i wanted to see again.
        yes, we can start over. you still owe me coffee.
        happy tuesday bill 🙂

      • I like your back. Stick with it for awhile. Maybe your nose next, then an eye – and over time I can slowly sort of piece together what you might possibly look like. Coffee on me any time. You can get a piece of cake with it too if you want. : )

        Happy Wednesday, Kit!

  6. I think reading your blog is going to become my lunchtime habit from now on.

    I tried this whole online dating malarkey the other week but I didn’t even pay to subscribe in the end because everyone’s profile was the same. I got to the point when as soon as I read the phrase “I love going out and socialising but I’m also equally happy having a quiet night in cuddling on the sofa” I stopped reading. Contradictions are not sexy, they’re not even intriguing.

    If you have included that line, deleting it will increase your success rate.

    Assuming every woman views profile as I do of course…

    • Frainkie! I’m learning so much about you. First off, you are female. I had pictured you as a big Irish guy. So I was a little off. My bad.

      I like that you tried it “the other week.” And that you found the profiles redundant. I’m proud of you for reading them; I mostly just sort of look at the picture and skim the profile if the picture is okay. Maybe reading them thoroughly would help.

      I also like this line you have included, and will put it in my profile stat. Hey, I’m in Korea…chances are they won’t understand it but will like that it is a long sentence that is in English.

      Cheers Frankie!

      • I sort of wish I was Irish but I’m glad I’m a girl.

        No – it’s a bad line! Although you may be on to something… I only don’t like it because it’s repeated so much but maybe no-one in Korea has ever used it.

        Good. I hope I’ve just fixed your love-life. Super.

  7. I have a lot of single friends, and I keep asking them to try online dating. I mean, Tom Hanks got to meet Meg Ryan over the Internet, so why wouldn’t their luck be any different? They’ve got some grudge against it though, like it comes with a stigma.

    Me? I have no such qualms so I salute your willingness to give it a shot, Jeff!

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