It’s Magic – Poof! No Date!


Ever since his “Street Magic” special, I’ve wanted really badly to be David Blaine.  He’s a cool cat.  When I say I want to ‘be him,’ I don’t just mean that I want to do cool magic tricks.  Oh no.  I also want to look like him and speak in a monotone.  I want the whole Blaine package.  He’s got this cool mystic thing going on that I admire.  And he’s practical.  He doesn’t saw women in half or make the Statue of Liberty disappear.  He bites quarters and does card tricks and hangs out with Leo DiCaprio.  I appreciate those things.  So do women.

I don’t have any pictures of me trapped in a big block of ice or buried alive; if I did I would’ve used one for my profile picture on the dating site I just signed up for.  As is, I didn’t know what to use for my profile pic.  After deliberating for a few seconds, I decided to go with a photo of me and a donkey (you can see it yourself if you scroll back a few posts!).  It’s not a great picture, but I didn’t have anything better.  I hoped no one would mistake the donkey for an ex-girlfriend, although, truth be told, some of the girls I’ve been with in the past make the donkey look like Megan Fox.  Anyways, I browsed the singles in my area and sent out a few messages.  One was to “May,” who stood out from the rest.  This one fit all my dating criteria.  In other words, she wasn’t overweight.

To my shock, May sent a message back.  “Hi Don Quixote,” it said.  “You look like a devious little boy in your picture.  I love a donkey.”

She loves a donkey?!?  I couldn’t believe it.  Could the donkey picture be just the thing my love life needed?  May and I exchanged a few messages and then she sent me her phone number.  She said she wanted to meet up for coffee.  I was pumped.  And not because I love coffee.

The next day was Valentine’s Day but I texted anyways.  She said she was at work and to contact her later, which I did.  I felt good, confident.  I waited for a reply.  A good amount of time passed.  Suddenly, it was after ten o’clock at night and I still hadn’t heard back.  Finally I got a response:  “I am watching magic show.  My phone is out of battery.”

It was a perplexing message.  A magic show?  What was she doing at a magic show?  Who was she with?  I had the feeling that it had to be a date.  I mean, a person doesn’t go to a magic show alone on Valentine’s Day.  I pictured May and some loser holding hands and feigning happiness while the magician did his thing.  The next day I texted her again.  She didn’t reply.

“Is this a Korean girl thing?” I asked C-Batz.  “Should I send another text?  I think she’s seeing someone.”

“You’re so fucking weird and paranoid,” C-Batz said.  “She went to a magic show.  What the fuck?  Chill out.  It doesn’t mean she’s dating someone.  What if you do meet up with her eventually?  Are you going to get all jealous and start asking her about all the magic shows she’s been to in her life?”

Maybe I would.  Maybe I would get flustered and upset if she ever brought up the topic of magic.  “Listen,” I’d say.  “I know it’s your past, but it still hurts to hear about it.”  Or perhaps I’d start getting suspicious and I’d go through her purse, looking for evidence of infidelity.  “Hey, I found this in your purse.  I think I deserve an explanation.”  And there I’d be,  standing in the bedroom doorway, holding something damning, like a deck of cards or a rabbit.

Romance is a bit like magic.  You have to kind of go with the flow, and they lose their appeal if you start picking away at everything.  Thinking too much about either sort of spoils things.

I guess I’ll try texting one more time and then give up.  If I don’t hear back I’ll assume, logically, that she was stolen away by David Blaine.  Or a guy with a better donkey.



37 thoughts on “It’s Magic – Poof! No Date!

    • I’m glad you’re with me on this. I think the lesson of the day is that girls love magic. I will try to perfect that thing where you put your finger over your thumb and make it look like your first finger is disconnecting at the knuckle. That should get me some dates I think.

    • What the hell is this, Val! I’m at work with a kid in the room and I click on your link and am taken to “Sexy Asses of the Caribbean” and it asks me if I’m over 18. I immediately panicked and hit the back arrow. What are you doing, trying to get me fired???

      • E.

        oops! sorry, forgot to tell you not to watch this at work. it’s a documentary. a bizarre one, but a documentary indeed. and ‘asses’ here mean ‘donkeys’.

        [slap me if it’s too offensive to you]

  1. Don’t text back. This is my advice learned from my many years of poorly dating days. She gave you your answer by not responding. Move on, my friend. You don’t need to work this hard for someone, especially when that someone totally stood you up. xo

  2. letters from val

    Girls love humor more than magic, so it looks like you’re in the clear. “I love a donkey,” was kind of a strange comment from May… nah, steer clear of that one.

  3. Well, it’s not quite a goat, but a picture with a donkey is pretty good too!

    Look on the bright side… at least she was too busy with a magic show, and not Star Craft. Imagine that, being snubbed because she’d rather hang out with Zeratul and Jim Raynor. And down the road, you’ll always be suspicious whenever you see a zergling in her purse.

  4. He he Not responding to your text is her response. Believe me, I know, ha ha ha… move on, topicless. O.O

    And it’s weird that she ditched a date with a single guy for a ……. magic show ?

    • Well, we didn’t really have a date. She just sent me her number and said to contact her and we could meet up for coffee “sometime.” Regardless, it’s over. It’ll take some time to get over it…

      …Okay, I’m over it now.

      • Good to know you’re over it.


        If she does somehow text back, give it a whole 24 hours before you text back. Don’t look eager.

      • Haha – Why are you women all encouraging me to give up? I’ve seen romantic comedies. Even girls that hate you wear down after awhile. It’s all about persistence!

        Maybe that just works for white women. Or, more specifically, Meg Ryan and/or Kate Hudson.

    • That’s awesome! The ice thing was actually kind of whack. But it’s okay, he’s still cool. (Not sure if that is or isn’t some sort of pun revolving around being stuck in a block of ice)

  5. I have a friend who’s been texting a lot and I intentionally stopped replying hoping to get the message (that I’m not interested) across. Why May has not been replying after giving you her no…? Maybe she just changed her mind. Thing is, we’re not sure if it will change again. 😀

    Errr, sorry for the unsolicited advise but if you really don’t want to give up yet on this one, MAYBE you have to change strategy ’cause texting does not seem to be working. Then again, you don’t have to listen to me… Just wanted to share my thoughts. 🙂

    • I LOVE unsolicited advise! It’s so much better than the solicited kind.

      I thought texting was the way to go because a lot of the time Asian girls aren’t super comfortable speaking English and they tend to like the less-pressure text mode of initial conversation. But maybe I’m doing it all wrong. I have no idea (which is the problem!)

      • Ya that makes a lot of sense.

        Omy! But it’s so hard to guess! I have no idea either. I’m totally unfamiliar with online dating. Hmmm. I’m not familiar with what Korean ladies are like either. =(

      • AFBsax

        WTF? What happened? I looked through all of the comments to see what happened and I’m confronted with no answer? And yeah you always have to wait at the very least a day or else you look like a creep. Rather unfortunately, speaking from experience, and I’m also told that taking too long to reply repeatedly is secret girl code for I’m not interested. But I’d really like to know what happened with the donkey magic girl! Good post regardless.

      • Update: “May,” the donkey magic girl, didn’t reply to the text I sent her a couple days after I posted this. I also noticed, cause I’m curious (i.e. not creepy) that she hadn’t logged onto the dating website in awhile, which made me think she had in fact found someone. Then, like maybe 3 weeks after I posted this, she was back on the dating website, and I, pitifully, sent her a short message. I know, I know. There was no reply to that either. I’m beginning to think she’s not interested.

  6. Perhaps if you give your criteria a little wiggle room, i.e. stop listing “no fatties” you’ll meet a really nice girl!… because really nice, chubby girls always have skinny friends that they desperately seek the approval of.

    *sniff* plus sized gals need love too (,-_-)

    • I know, I know, I’m superficial…which is sad because I’m not a good looking guy myself and often complain when women pass me over for someone who’s more attractive. So, in effect, I’m a giant hypocrite. Actually, you’re comment is making me think about a lot of things…future blog post to come about this. Thanks for the inspiration! And hey – you still trying to come to Korea???

      • My little ol’ comment? Inspirational? Wow! That’s… great? Uh oh. Please don’t write about how you think you’re a giant hypocrite 😦 We’re all looking for the ideal mate. If advertising has taught us one thing, it’s that the packaging is important; it gives us the first impression. However, many times we find that the pretty box with glitter and frills is full of shit. Wah wah.

        And am I still trying to go to Korea? You bet your donkey I am.

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