The Incoherent, Rambling, Stream-of-Conscious Valentine’s Day Post


Who says a single guy can’t be happy on Valentine’s Day?  I tell you who – radical Islamists.  They hate Valentine’s Day.  Think you hate it, with your groaning over how obnoxious it is?  Well, you don’t truly hate it that much.  Go to Iran and you’ll see that your Valentine’s Day hate is superficial and based solely on the fact that you have a big silly crush on your buddy’s girlfriend.  You jealous bastard, find your own girl!  Leave Jesse’s alone!  (Yeah, your friend’s name is Jesse, of course) (Why can’t I find a woman like that?!).  Anyways, the point is that the Ayatollah Khamenei dislikes Valentine’s Day more than you do.  He has never exchanged heart candies.  Know what would happen if someone gave him heart candies?  He’d smash them and put a fatwa on that person’s head.  One minute you’d be asking the Ayatollah if he’ll be your Valentine, the next thing you know you’re in hiding somewhere in Sri Lanka.

"I will not stand for candy that contains lewd requests like 'Hug Me'!!!"

I personally love the heck out of Valentine’s Day.  That’s right – there’s no bitterness here.  I love everything about it: the Valentine’s cards that have superheroes on them for no apparent reason, Valentine’s balloons, chocolates that come in a big red heart shaped box, everything.  It’s excellent.  Yeah, so I don’t have a girl to have an intimate dinner with, followed by some snuggling and the viewing of a nice romantic movie like, I dunno, Blue Valentine or something.  It’s fine.  Sports teams have rebuilding years, and that’s what I’ve got going on.  It’s all about next season.  It’s worse, I think, to be in the beginning of a relationship when Valentine’s Day hits.  That’s like going into war with no boot camp to prepare you.  I would feel silly, sitting there and pretending to be all hearts and roses when I’d know that only a few months ago it was Halloween and my girl was dressed like a slut and probably slept with a random stranger in an attempt to fulfill some sick Jack Sparrow fantasy.

You know what I want to try and bring back this Valentine’s Day?  Being someone’s secret admirer, that’s what.  Nobody seems to do that anymore.  I guess online dating is kind of similar (Hey, I saw your picture…I like you), although the online person still has an identity and isn’t working totally incognito.  It must be a lot of work nowadays to be a secret admirer.  I mean, with call ID and with email being pretty easy to trace, it’s not as easy as it used to be.  You’d have to be dropping off handwritten notes all the time, and even that’s tricky with security cameras all over the place.  It would take major dedication.  And maybe a mask.

Hopefully all the work wouldn’t be for naught.  The idea of having a secret admirer was pretty exciting when I was a kid – girls would get all starry eyed and anxious wondering who their mysterious Casanova was.  Now I fear a girl would be creeped out by it. “Oh God, Becky!  I have a secret admirer!  I’m going to start carrying mace and a taser!”

The iffy thing about a secret admirer is that it’s usually someone the girl knows, expressing himself in a passive aggressive way.  That might not fly with women today.  It shows a lack of confidence.  “Listen, I wanted to approach you and ask you out, but at the time I felt the best way would be to get a track phone and call you anonymously, with a sock pressed up to the mouthpiece to distort my voice.  In retrospect, it was bad judgment on my part.  Can we still do coffee?”

I’m skeptical on secret admiration working out, so maybe I’ll flip the script and surprise some lucky lady by being her blatant admirer.  I’ll call all the time and constantly post about how gorgeous she is on her Facebook wall and wear a t-shirt with her picture ironed onto it.  I think she’ll be flattered.  I’ll even scream like a ten-year-old-girl at a Justin Beiber concert when the object of my affection walks (or runs) by me.

On second thought, maybe it would be better to stick with the sock and the track phone.

Whatever.  It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m single and happy.   Here’s to all the couples and to all the singles out there, and especially to all the people admiring someone secretly.  I love you all!

Yup, even you Ayatollah!  Happy Valentine’s Day!



36 thoughts on “The Incoherent, Rambling, Stream-of-Conscious Valentine’s Day Post

  1. judithsmarkworld

    Your posts always bring a smile to my face. Congrats on you deciding to be happy whether ur single or not. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  2. OOOhhh it’s been a while since I’ve had time to read your blogs, and I’m happy to say that they crack me up just as much as always.

    Plus, it’s always nice to see someone who appreciates the finer things in life ie; heart shaped chocolate.

    Ayatollah doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.

    • Ayatollah probably sneaks chocolates when Ahmadinejad isn’t looking.

      Well, glad to have you swing by! And you have a blog now too, which is cool. Looking forward to reading your ramblings. : )

  3. Dude I loved that line about this year being like a sports team’s rebuilding year for you. That’s a really clever and funny line – made even funnier by the fact that I just watched Moneyball last night.

    Anyway, sorry to hear that you’ll be having a quiet one this year!

    I didn’t know what to write for V-day this year either… thought of rewrapping this article about V-day for stalkers that I wrote a few years back, but in the end I just blogged about my love for Michael Bay instead hahaha!

    • Yeah, Moneyball…I read the book and saw the movie. I’m still surprised by the idea that non baseball fans would find it interesting. Also sort of funny how Billy Beane just spent a fortune on an unproven Cuban player. He must have a new theory: Waste of Moneyball.

      Quiet is okay. Especially since it means no Michael Bay (cause his movies be loud!) Haha – sorry! I’m sure you get enough Michael Bay flack and I shouldn’t be adding on. I’m glad your love knows no shame!

      • Actually, I think sports movies, if done right, transcend just being a sports movie. I found Moneyball interesting because of the two main characters, because Sorkin’s dialogue doesn’t unnecessarily litter the lines with baseball jargon (what jargon comes through is pretty easy to figure out), and it’s just a gripping underdog story.

        It’s like my favorite sports movie: Any Given Sunday. You really don’t need to know football to be sucked into that tale of corruption, old versus new, and ego. Those are themes that anyone can relate to.

        Actually, having never lived in the US, it was Any Given Sunday that got me really interested in the NFL, and games like NFL 2K1 that taught me the rules.

      • Yeah, that’s a good take on it. There’s a great Simpsons episode where Lisa adopts sabermetrics to manage Bart’s baseball team…it’s better than the Moneyball movie, I believe. Not that I didn’t like Moneyball…that Simpsons episode is just really, really good.

        That’s interesting about the NFL. I used to LOVE the NFL (go go Buffalo!) but now I have trouble watching the games because of the ridiculous amount of commercials. The video games are awesome though – I still have my Madden 2003 disc and my Playstation memory card despite having no system, just in case one day I feel like going old school. And you’re right, they really do teach the rules and the strategies extremely well.

        Peace Drew! Likes your post about the lonely songs.

  4. E.

    i prefer the track phone and your voice distorted by the sock. i don’t carry any maces or tasers. and yes, we can always do coffee, darlin’! =)

    your post crack me up, Bill, as always. i’m glad that you’re happy and feel better now. i was worried when i read your previous post. death is always a huge topic. i’ve been thinking about it a lot since my grandmother’s funeral two years ago. we’ll talk about it another day as today is such a nice day to live.

    my Valentine’s day this year is quite… awkward. there is this guy. we have known each other for a few years. we both had a crush on each other, but neither of us admitted that so we were just friends. then a bitch appeared, messed everything up and kinda made us hate each other. so we stopped seeing each other until last Christmas, when we accidentally bumped into each other at a gig of a common friend. and yea — old loves die hard, Bill — we crossed the line of ‘being just friends’. after that we tried to go back to being just friends. it isn’t very difficult since my schedule is crazy and i’m busy all the time (and January was just such a bitch to me). so, we have been arranging several dates but haven’t been able to see each other. last Sunday, he asked me out again. i told him that i’m free Tuesday and Wednesday evening, and i preferred Tuesday (you know, i have 5 hours of teaching on both Wed and Thu, which makes the idea of going out on Wed evening not so tempting to me). and when i said i preferred Tue, i completely forgot that Tuesday is Valentine’s day. so i had to call him this afternoon and change the date into Wednesday. : <

    now you know why i prefer phone calls with private numbers and distorted voices.

    • Hi Lan! Well, you could’ve still gone out with him tonight…although I understand how that could be kind of a bit too much pressure for an initial date. I like how a ‘bitch appeared and messed everything up.’ Bahaha. That made me laugh, although I’m sure it wasn’t a very funny situation.

      Keep me updated, Lan, seriously! I want to know how the date goes. And if you don’t want to leave a public comment, send me an email ( I’m concerned!

  5. Brilliant!

    I don’t think it would be creepy (even nowadays) if the girl secretly liked you too. That could be quite romantic… I guess the problem arises if she doesn’t!!

    I was always one of those girls in the wings as a kid/teenager hoping to be admired and not being. My husband of seven years though, now makes up for all those empty post boxes. 😉

    • That’s the gamble, isn’t it? It’s important that the girl likes you back. Otherwise, there’s a lot of unnecessary buildup for the rejection.

      Husband of seven years! Congrats, that’s wonderful! I openly admire that.

  6. My Valentine this year turns out to be a seven-year-old red-headed girl. Yes, my little cousin who I’ve only met a few times sent me a card in the post. I was touched and impressed with her initiative and originality. It was completely unexpected. And better than finding out it was a guy who had scrawled inside the card in the hand writing of a seven year old girl. Phew. Here’s to happy and single, and unexpected Valentines.

  7. I received a hand drawn Pokemon valentine (which was pretty good) and a Dragon Ball Z Valentines card. My fiance got me a ticket to an hour on a grand prix track (location undisclosed). I told her she could do better because she will never get me something as awesome as my friends did. I dumped the 90’s T.V. show cards on the table and walked away.

  8. Valentine’s day is so retarded. And it’s not just because I am a holiday non-lover, all holidays, and such a non-lover, I hide and roll my eyes until they are over. Holidays irritate me. Maybe I’m not enough of a romantic either. I melt when my husband tells me he’d save me first in a zombie apocalypse. Awwwww 😀 But if he got me roses, I’d be perplexed and maybe make him sleep on the couch for not knowing the first thing about me. Like holidays are all a marketing ploy and I don’t particularly like roses. Orchids are nice on non-required occasions. And it doesn’t mean anything when he does something because it’s a designated day, when everyone else is doing the same thing too. Laaaame. If I could market my photography business like that, I’d be retired already. I am, however grateful that I have a man who is as irritated by such things as I am. Our cynicism against such things bond us.

    I’m not trying to be a buzzkill though, you lover of said Hallmark Holiday. I just wanted to send some love back your way, because you make me smile and laugh out loud (or lol as commonly known) on many many a day 🙂

    • Hi Karin Babin! I love saying the full name, it’s an awesome name. Rolls off the tongue nicely.

      Yeah, I pretty much relate to and agree with everything you said. Especially the idea that when someone does something special at a random time, it shows that person cares a lot. I’d send you orchids on a random day, but I’m afraid your husband would give me a beatdown.

      • You should try saying it in Spanish. Did you know I’m Latin? I was born in Chile. I’m also half German. You should see me when I get mad. Fiery Latina and German Bear. Fortunately it doesn’t happen often. But that’s not the point. The point is, in Spanish you have to pronounce it like this: Ka-reen Ba-been. Utterly ridiculous, yet somehow phonetically addictive.

        Thanks for the orchid thought! 🙂

  9. Blue Valentine PSHFT! True Romance… now that is a real romantic movie! Hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s day curled up with your 137.5 Sandwich from the Costco yummies you bought month’s ago! Garfield would approve!

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