A Fat White Man and a Disapproving Credit Card are Killing My Love Life


So today, instead of writing another bloated 1,000+ word rambling bit of nonsense, I’m going to quickly update two situations I brought up in the past.  Both involve the sad state of my love life, which is about as alive and kicking as Abraham Lincoln.

He’s really, really dead, in case you didn’t pick up on that joke.

Anyways, here’s the update on Samantha F.  When I got to the Philippines, I suddenly decided that I just had to meet up with her.  Not because I thought there would be a spark or anything, but instead (embarrassingly enough) because I thought meeting up would make for an interesting and humorous future blog.  That’s right – I intended to serenade her with Open Arms for the enhancement of this website.  So when I was in Cebu I snuck off to an Internet café and sent her a message, saying I’d like to meet up on Sunday if she’d give me a time and a place.  She responded and seemed somewhat enthusiastic.  There was no time or place, though, just a phone number.  She wanted me to call her to make plans.  This, my friends, is what we call ‘too much work.’  Long, dull story shot, I went back home without seeing her or her laundromat.

What happened next was kind of funny, though.  A few days after I got back, our sweet Samantha F. posted some interesting pics on Facebook.  There she was, looking like she normally did, but this time she was with a big fat old white guy.  He kind of looked like a fatter version of Paul Giamatti, and he had a big goofy smile on his face.  It was, in all honesty, a little disturbing.  I guess she found the white man she was looking for…which basically means she found a white man.  I’m sure he’s not a bad guy and will probably be good to her.  So it’s a story with a happy ending…only with some unorthodox casting for Prince Charming.

Upon getting back, I also decided to make a go of Korean online dating.  I tried this before, only to have my credit card frozen.  That led to a humiliating phone call to HSBC’s Fraud Prevention Team.  But that was my fault because I haven’t updated my billing address in about a decade and entered the wrong thing.  It couldn’t happen again, right?  I mean, I just had to enter the correct information and everything would be peachy.  I’d be setting up dates like a regular cyber-Valentino.

Um, not so much.  Although I successfully signed up on the dating website, I quickly got an email informing me that I had – yet again – been referred to the Fraud Prevention Team and that my credit card has been frozen.  “Oh come on, man!” I thought.  “I gotta call the Fraud Prevention Team again?!”

Yes, yes I do.  Maybe they’re just super interested in what’s going on with me.  They’re concerned.  I figure I’ll call with no shame and mad confidence – “Yeah, I signed up for online dating.  I’m flipping proud!  Best thing I’ve ever done!”  I could even give them some details…who knows, they might be able to help out.  “Yeah, the other day I messaged Jellybean84 and haven’t heard back…I thought you guys could freeze her card and put in a good word for me when she calls.”

Sigh.  I’m off to make the call of shame for the second time, and then get ready for work.  It’s days like this when Carpe Diem does not apply.  That’s right – some days just ain’t worth seizing.



44 thoughts on “A Fat White Man and a Disapproving Credit Card are Killing My Love Life

  1. I might’ve liked this post, but I must stress that it’s not because I like the situation you’re in! But does this mean you haven’t used your credit card at all over there? Or does the Fraud Prevention Team flag online dating? You’d think the credit card companies would encourage that stuff, because a person who is dating would be spending a helluva lot more on gifts and dinners.

    • Good point! Yeah, I very rarely use the credit card. Eh, hope I don’t sound too negative…I’m sick today and am dreading the special workshop at school followed by six straight classes.

      Anyways, always a pleasure, Drew.

  2. Two points:
    #1–If it’s too much work to make a phone call, perhaps you’re not yet ready for a girlfriend. You’ll call fraud prevention, but not a girl?!?

    #2–“Call of shame” just made me laugh until I cried. Sorry, but that was damn funny.

    Chin up!

  3. Jellybean84’s profile would read:
    Obsessed with French’s mustart
    Prefers to call cockroaches “Boobie Beetles”
    Lover of Kenny Rogers’ Chicken
    Favorite song: “Open Arms”
    Favorite movie: Martha Marcy May Marlene

    • Wow Cara…that’s a really funny summary of the last two months or so. Cracked me up. I like that I’m obsessed with mustard – that’s pretty cool.

      Is that the correct order of the M names? I have no idea. I guess someone could put the M names in any order, maybe even change one up, and if you knew the movie to begin with, you’d know exactly what the person was talking about: “Have you seen May Marcy Martha Marybeth?” “Yes. Yes I have seen that particular motion picture.”

      Good to hear from you, Cara! Love ya! (and your blog is seriously the bomb – you should be famous like Martha Stewart or something)

      • Just so you know, I had to rummage through your old posts. I promise I am not that creepy and hoard all that info 🙂

        I actually copied the movie title from your post. I have no clue what the order is–in fact, I never heard of it prior to you spoiling the ending for me. Lame. Oh who am I kidding? I’m too bust watching your favorite, “Love Actually” on repeat 🙂

        And thank you for the blog compliment. HAHA. Martha Stewart. You are blowing sunshine up my butt now. <–eeeew, terrible visual for an expression but makes me laugh every time.

      • ME AGAIN! Just to clarify, JellyBean86 is your future online girlfriend, not you. This is what her profile will look like…and this is how you will know it’s love 🙂 Okay, I promise I am done with my 30 million comments…

      • Haha. These are all hilarious! I love ya, Cara…just like mustart.

        There really is no JellyBean86 or whatever it is. But I like this idea…she’s like my online dream girl. My fantasy girl, who likes everything I do. haha

        How many times have you actually seen Love, Actually? Actually.

        I have never blown sunshine – I don’t even know who he is.

      • Bill, you are killing me! JellyBean is a fictional online profile. Come on, now! I thought we were a little more in sync than that. tisk tisk. ha!

        I don’t even want to admit how many times I have seen “Love Actually.” Between that and “The Holiday” I would have to say around 30 times, probably. <–loser

      • I get it, girl! We’re on the same JellyBean wavelength. It’s not like “Fork and Beans” where like two months later I thought, “Oh! Pork and beans! Pork and beans! I didn’t catch it!”

        I’m a little slow sometimes.

        Hey, 30 isn’t that bad…unless the first time you saw it was in December.

  4. I was wondering what was going to come of Samantha F. Oh well, if you can’t carpe the entire diem, try carpe-ing 15 minutes at a time.

    It’s funny that you revolve so much of your life around having stuff to blog about. But look at how many almost-marvelous things have happened because of it! That was supposed to be encouraging, but I think I missed the mark…

    • No, you’re right. Having a blog definitely motivates me to be active and do things I might not otherwise do. I suppose that’s sad in a way, but I guess whatever gives you a kick in the butt to do things is, in the long run, healthy. And, when things go all wrong, at least I can tell myself that I’ve gotten a funny story out of it.

      So, anyways, thanks for the encouragement. I’m still at work and it feels like I’ve been here forever! I need to seize so time off the clock!

      Peace, Karin! : )

  5. Oh Bill…
    Even reading the comments (which are often the funniest) I am at a loss of words. Maybe your new lotion will help bring you luck… Just maybe not with those of the “sane” variety or of that whom are ‘female’… But hey its something right?

  6. Well, Bill, I did warn you about Samantha !!

    Oh, and welcome to the Lonely hearts’ Club… Ha ha ha. Or you can join my club… The Go Home Club. he he he

    Hey, be patient ! ! Don’t force love …. c’mon !

    Here’s to us…. CHEERS !

    • Hi Renx!

      Yes, Samantha is prowling but we knew that all along. Strangely, I felt pretty happily single until I went to the Philippines, and then I suddenly felt really lonely when I came back. Maybe I just miss the Thai food and am trying to distract myself. Life in Korea seems really dull all of a sudden! : (

      Anyways, that’s way too negative, as I’m in a good mood right now. Get down this weekend, Renx! Go hit the club or something!

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