I Have 28 Kids and I Like Feet

Standard

Everyone assumed we were a couple.  I guess that’s to be expected – a stud like myself traveling around the Philippines with a beautiful gal like TTD.  It would be like going to a Halloween party and seeing a guy dressed as Batman and a guy dressed as Robin and later finding out they didn’t know each other.  Logically, one would assume they’re fighting crime together.  Similarly, whenever we would meet someone new, TTD and I had to explain that we, surprise surprise, were not in fact having sex.

“So,” people would ask us, “how did you two meet?”

“Um,” one of us would say, “we met in Korea…we’re actually not a couple.”

“You’re not a couple?  Oh, I thought you were a couple!”

“No, we’re just friends.”  Thankfully it stopped there.  Once I was traveling with a female friend and someone asked us why we weren’t a couple.  That was an awkward one.  I’m not sure what the appropriate answer to that is: “We get along great as friends, but the thing is, on a physical level, we repulse each other!”

Of all the colorful characters we met in the Philippines, a sailor named Ben had to be one of the most memorable.  Ben approached us while we were waiting for the Starcraft ferry to take us from Cebu to Bohol.  We were sitting at the dock and he came over and plopped himself down in the chair in front of us.  He was young and handsome…but something was clearly off in his head.  After asking us the standard questions (where are you from?/where are you going?/why is he so white?/etc., etc.), Ben launched into a much more interesting topic of discussion.

“Sir,” he said, looking at me, “your girlfriend has very beautiful feet.”

“Oh,” I said.  “She’s not my girlfriend.  You can compliment her feet…don’t worry about it.”

TTD had sandals on, and Ben stared down at her toes.  “You have beautiful feet…Where I’m from, the foot is considered the most beautiful part of a woman’s body.”

Whew! For a second there, honey, before you took your shoes off, I was worried you'd stopped wearing your ring!

“Where are you from?”

“I’m from north of Manila – Bulacan.  In Bulacan, a man doesn’t ask for a woman’s hand in marriage, he asks for her foot in marriage.”

“That’s clever how you flipped it.”

We had about an hour until the boat departed, and the feeling that Ben was not going to leave us was beginning to settle in.  Both TTD and I were exhausted from sleeping in the airport and flying to Cebu in the morning.  We wanted to flee the conversation but didn’t have the energy.

“Are you a Christian, sir?” he asked.

“Um, yeah.  I was raised Christian anyways.”

“I’ve given myself to Jesus Christ.  I’ve taken a vow of celibacy.”

I couldn’t help looking down at TTD’s feet.  I supposed they were kind of cute.

“Would you like to see my wife?” Ben asked.  He pointed off into the distance and we both turned to look.  There were a bunch of women around.  “Which one is she?” TTD asked.

Yes, sir! That's my baby!

“I’m pointing at the boat,” Ben said.  “I’m a sailor on that ferry boat.  A Marshal.  That’s the beautiful woman I’m married to.”  He went on to talk a bit about the boat, telling us how fast it goes and how, as a Sea Marshal or whatever he was, he had the ability to arrest people on land, and how Sea Marshals in the USA can’t do that.  It didn’t take long, though, until he returned to the subject of feet.

“Sir,” he said, motioning me towards him, “I want to give you some advice.  Tonight, when you’re with your girlfriend…”

“She’s not really my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, ok, well, instead of kissing your girlfriend on the lips, go straight for the feet.”

“She might not like that.”

He straightened up, smiling, talking to both of us now.  “In Bulacan, there are many foot fetish bars.  You go and sit at the bar, and if a woman is interested in you, she will offer you her feet.”  Ben got on a roll then and went on and on about feet.  He talked about looking at pictures of feet on the Internet and kissing feet and all kinds of stuff.

“What if you found the perfect pair of feet,” TTD asked, “but it turned out the girl had terrible foot odor?”

“In that case,” he said, “you lick the odor away.  Sir, do you have any children?”

“Nope.  You?”

“Yes,” he said.  “I have many.”

“I thought you were celibate?”

“Every day I have new children,” he said.  “I look at the list of passengers on the boat.  One day I have ten children, the next day I have twenty-eight children.”

There was no need to flee at this point.  TTD and I had settled in.  Yes, we were stuck in this conversation, but mentally we had moved far past denial and into acceptance.

“Sir, have you ever been to Missouri?”

“No, have you?”

“No.”

There was a long pause.  Ben looked off into the water.  “Is that it, Ben?  About Missouri?”

“Oh!” he said, snapping back into attention.  “I saw on a TV program that someone was arrested in Missouri for impersonating a police officer.”

I wondered if that interested Ben because he was impersonating a Sea Marshal.  He had to have been.  Who was this guy, and what exactly did he do on that boat?  For some reason, I started writing a personal ad for him in my head, something he could put on Craigslist: “Hi.  I’m Ben.  I have 28 kids and I like feet.  I’m celibate and married to a boat and I’ve never been to Missouri.”

Just as, to those we didn’t know, TTD and I were a couple, anyone who would’ve walked by us that moment would probably have thought that the three of us – me, TTD, and Ben – were great friends.  Lifelong pals.  In a way, it’s nice how strangers seem to assume that people are closer to one another than they really are.  That’s kind of fun to think about – that for one moment at the dock, while Ben rambled on about feet, someone could look at me and believe that I was sitting happily, chatting with my best friend, my sweetheart by my side.

*

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “I Have 28 Kids and I Like Feet

  1. Hahaha that’s hilarious!

    Guess it’s the same way that people can continually Facebook and Tweet each other, and random ppl might think they’re close friends, but really they’ve probably only met like once in real life.

    • Haha – excellent correlation! Yeah, like if someone posts on my wall, I’ll get asked, ‘Hey, what’s up with you and ____?’ And I have to say, “Um, nothing. I never even see this person.” Meanwhile, when I spend time with certain lucky ladies (sarcasm), we rarely ever post pics or put things on each other’s walls, etc.

      Good call Drew!

  2. Good lord. Feet fetish.
    I joined this sort of an online dating website and I have this one guy who keeps messaging me to send him pictures of my feet and he telling me he wants to marry. *shudders*

  3. Are you kidding me? You glazed over the gold in this story! The answer to foot odor is simply licking it away??? BAHAHA. That is the grossest, yet sweetest thing I have heard. How is that even possible really? P.S. Speaking of stinky things, whatever happened with your bag?

    • Hi Cara! Yes, that’s correct, if you have foot odor problems, just find someone to lick the smell off your feet. I suppose a dog could do if you’re really desperate. If you really feel for the person doing the licking, maybe put some caramel on your feet or something. That’s a friendly suggestion.

      The bag…I believe the culprit was, of all things, my sweat pants. After they were discarded, the smell seemed to go away. That said, I would prefer it if we didn’t try to analyze why my sweat pants smelled like vomit. : D

    • Hi Maggie Mae! Thanks for the compliment and the follow. The great thing is, you CAN meet him! Just go hang around the ports at Cebu/Bohol and he’s sure to come up to you…make sure you wear sandals. : )

  4. I asked my parents about the feet thing…… they say the person you talked to was a cuckoo. Nothing like that ( asking a woman’s foot in marriage ) happens anywhere in the Philipines. He’s clearly a crazed man. Lick the feet… pffft… my foot . There was this episode on Bizarre Foods on Travel Channel where the host, Andrew Zimmern , visited a restaurant that has sauteed worm ( actually a coconut worm or something ), in their menu. That episode apparently was watched here in the US. So many friends asked us if Filipinos really eat worms. We were flabbergasted. , coz Filipinos don’t eat worms. Oh, my, word.

    • Yes, others from Manila have also confirmed that this man did a poor job of speaking for his community. You should’ve told your friends that everyone in the Philippines eats worms and then invited them over for dinner, just to mess with them.

      • We do eat pig’s blood. (^____^) ( nicely called chocolate soup, he he he he ) And it’s delicious ! ! ! Filipinos call it ” dinuguan “. It’s pork, pig’s blood, jalapeno peppers, vinegar, I don’t know what else, and we eat it with rice or bread. Uhm, the British and germans have their blood sausage, right ? So, yeah, it isn’t that weird. Aha ha ha. ( runs off )

      • I would try it. What the hell. Sounds terrible, but who knows. I still haven’t eaten anything outrageously weird in Asia, which is kind of a disappointment. Eating live octopus was probably the closest, but that didn’t seem so crazy, probably cause it’s all cut up.

        I like how you ran off there! I figure you were either embarrassed, or someone had just made a bowl of chocolate soup and you had to get their fast before it got cold-blooded.

  5. Personally, I think it would have made an AWESOME missed connection on craigslist!! Have you read those?? Days of humor. Perfect for the downer day! And, the ways this guy could have been a missed connection are endless!!
    Anyway, you are a sweetheart of sorts even if it isn’t in the most romantic of ways.

  6. now that’s what i was waiting for! 🙂
    i can’t confirm ben’s claim about bulacan but i did hear once that you can see how beautiful a woman is by how she takes care of her feet. i admit i know a lot of pretty girls who only care about their faces and nothing else. i think it goes with the saying being beautiful both inside and out.
    ben might be a little weird telling you to lick you friend’s feet instead of kissing her. personally, i think he should have told you to give her a foot massage after all that travelling i’m sure she’ll appreciate it more. women’s feet are very delicate you know, it takes us to wonderful places so we have to take care of them.
    p.s. i thought ttd was your sister (sorry) it’s just that you talk so affectionately about her. i think it’s nice having friends of the opposite gender. i used to have a guy bestfriend. say hi to ttd from me. 🙂

    • I think I’d have to preface a foot massage…if I was chilling with a girl and suddenly started giving her a foot massage, I think she’d be a bit freaked out. Especially if I insisted on it. And started giggling with excitement during it.

      Haha – I suppose she’s like a sister. She’s the only person I know who’s zany enough to go on all these goofy excursions with me. I’ll tell her you send your regards. : )

      • wah i love foot massages, my guy friends used to give me ones while hanging out talking about nothing in particular or watching a movie, that was before they started having gfs. i guess its something that comes naturally, to me it does anyways, when i’m comfy i’m like a puppy.
        i feel like i just admitted something really really weird…

      • The foot massage isn’t weird at all…a little odd that you compared yourself to a puppy, but that’s cool. I’ll have to start practicing so when we’re hanging out on your roof, I can give a decent foot massage. Right now, it would be strictly amateur hour. Maybe I can get a girl drunk tonight and talk her into letting me massage her feet (eeeeessshhh, that sounds soooo creepy!!!) (I feel dirty now!).

        Anyways, the point is, I have had minimal foot contact in my life. Can I practice on my own feet? I wouldn’t want to disappoint anybody!

      • hmm people tell me i have weird habits but then i don’t really mind ’cause when i try to look at it from their view maybe i am weird. people often tell me i’m like a puppy maybe because i’m easy to please. give me a toy to play with, cuddle me when i whine and you’re my favorite person in the world. hahaha enough of my weirdness (i’m pretty sure you’re severely creeped out by now)
        i don’t know about practicing on your own foot, i never tried it, but you can try and let me know how it goes 😛
        i don’t think you can disappoint anyone just the conversation alone is worth it in my view 🙂
        p.s. renxkyoko told you about dinuguan, it’s not bad you know try it with rice or puto (steamed rice cake) it’s usually cooked during fiestas. and oh the worms i think are made into some kind of a salad with vinegar (they say it increases libido or something) its the beetles that are served fried. I think they have an exotic restaurant in cebu or somewhere around there that specializes on these things.

  7. E.

    i think Ben is a cool dude, no matter if he was gaga or telling the truth. you should put up his personal ad for him. this is a good story, Bill. i particularly like the last sentence.

      • E.

        picturing the last sentence in my mind really gives me a sentimental feeling.

        and i am definitely interested in Ben : P

        how are my feet? hmm… cute, small (size 6 – US women), no ordour. might just be Ben’s style =)

      • No, Lan, your feet are too good for him. I’ve seen how that guy acts – he’ll go for anything that has ten toes. You want a guy with higher standards. You don’t want someone who sniffs around. You need a man who knows how to treat a foot.

  8. Cat

    “’I’ve given myself to Jesus Christ. I’ve taken a vow of celibacy.’

    I couldn’t help looking down at TTD’s feet. I supposed they were kind of cute.”

    Oh gosh, that was funny.

  9. I was about to ask about TTD when I saw your pics together. She’s gorgeous ; )

    And I kinda get the platonic thing because I have guy friends that I’m really close with that people who don’t have such a thing will think that there’s something going on, but relly, I believe men and women can be friends without progressing to something else to ruin the friendship. I think Nora Ephron wrote When Harry Met Sally, to mess with us all. haha

    That Ben is crazy. What a way to ruin a seemingly cute fetish into something wholly creepy. LOL

    • He was so happy about feet, it never seemed creepy. It seemed fun and I wanted to be a foot fetish person too so I could be upbeat like him.

      I’ve always had WAY more female friends than male friends. I’m not sure why this is. It seems like I kind of know within the first ten minutes if the girl is someone I can be friends with or not. For me, it’s extremely hard to maintain a friendship with a woman once anything physical has happened. I’m not sure why that is. There’s no drama or anger or anything…the friendship seems to just sort of fizzle away afterwards. I guess all that is to say that, for me at least, two distinct camps must be kept with friends in one and potential romances in the other and never the two shall meet.

      Hi Jishi!!! : D

  10. Love the toes with faces photo! Is that one you took or did you find it somewhere?

    I like talking to strangers, there are a lot of interesting, fun people to talk to out there. As long as they don’t pull a knife on you and shank you. As long as they don’t do that, it’s fun to talk to strangers.

    • Yeah, I’m not a big fan of getting shanked. Although it’s a fun word to say. Shank. I’d like to one day make a shank. Maybe that could be a new hobby or something.

      Love the toe pic also! I stole it from somewhere! Big thank you to whoever’s toes those are!

  11. Hello guys and girls with nice feet! I AM FILIPINO SAILOR Topiclessbar was talking about. Yes I really do really adore and like to smell girls’ feet. Most especially Manila girls. And of course American girls. For your feet taste like strawberry to me. Any American girls out there age 18-29 who are tourist here in Philippines with tasty feet. Kindly message me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s