Samantha F. Works in Laundry and Wants to be My Wife! (I Think)


Although I don’t know all of my Facebook ‘friends,’ at least I’m aware of how I’m supposed to know them.  I’ll look at someone and think, “Who the hell is that?”  And then I’ll check and see we went to high school together.  Once the link is established, I’ll try my best to remember the person.  Usually I can’t, but after two years of reading Facebook updates, suddenly I’ll feel like we go way back.

“I’m so happy Laura is doing well!” I’ll say to myself, blocking out the fact that I don’t know who on earth Laura is and, for all I know, she could be the post-sex-change reincarnation of one some boy that kicked my ass in 9th grade.

Samantha F. doesn’t fall into this category of people.  I had no idea who she was when she sent me a Facebook friend request, and I still don’t really know for certain that she’s a real person.  She could be some psychopathic male posing as an attractive Filipina to try to lure and kill Americans or, even more horrifyingly, she could be one of my friends playing a practical joke.  When Samantha F. sent me the Facebook request, I accepted it, figuring we must have some common friends.  Nope.  She’s as random as they come.  A week or so after we became pals, she caught me on the Facebook chat.  Our first conversation went exactly like this:

Her: Hey.

Me: Hi.

Her: How old are you?

Me: 33.

Her: Are you married?

Me: No.

Her: Do you have kids?

Me: No.


Her: You’re looking good!

It sounds like an exaggeration, but that really is how it went.  I’d heard about women in places like Thailand and the Philippines who search out Westerners, either to milk them for money or to marry them to improve their lives.  Over the next few months, Samantha F. and I would chat from time to time.  I learned a bit about her.  She lives in Manila and works at a laundry mat that her sister runs.  She has a dog named Mickey.  Most of her family lives in Mindoro.  She likes to sing and can apparently cook up a mean sinigang, which she promises to make me.

The whole thing was weird, having this woman appear out of nowhere and start chatting to me, and I found myself having great fun with it.  For instance, I read on the brilliant Renxkyoko blog that it’s a tradition in the Philippines for a man to come serenade the woman he desires.  The man will pick whatever night he feels is right, and he’ll sing a love song outside of the woman’s window.  If she loves him back, she’ll open the window and listen to him sing.  On the other hand, if he’s not the one, the window will remain closed.

“I’ll come to your window,” I said once to Samantha F., “and I will serenade you with Open Arms by Journey.  Will you open your window for me?”

“I will wide open window,” she said.

I thought that was neat.  Not every girl would wide open window for me.  And even if they did, no girls would phrase it in that particular way.  It’s not like I talked to Samantha F. a whole lot…just from time to time, and it would always be goofy and sort of flirtatious.  Good harmless fun, I would call it.  Things took a little turn, though.  TTD and I decided to book a trip to the Philippines to visit a mutual friend.  In a flash, Samantha F. was no longer some abstract person a million miles away.  I could conceivably meet her.  I immediately realized that I had to practice my singing and brush up on the Open Arms lyrics.

“You will be in Philippines?” she wrote me on Facebook after I informed everyone of my vacation plans via status update.  This was not good.  I mean, having playful banter with her was pathetic enough; meeting up with her would really make me a loser.  Especially since I was only targeted in the first place because of my American passport.  Is that really what this girl wanted, I asked myself.  To live in America?

In all honesty, there’s a part of me that wanted to meet up with her.  Not so much because I thought we’d ‘fall in love’ or something (and not because of horniness, get that out of your dirty mind), but because I thought it would just make a really whacky story.  You know, because I spend a significant portion of my life trying to do things to blog about.

“Hey,” I said to TTD, “would you be upset if some random Filipina laundry girl met up with us at the airport?”

She just looked at me with that I-will-stab-you look of hers.

So that was settled.  Next week, when I fly to the Philippines, I shall not go anywhere near Samantha F. or her wide open window.  It’s too weird and sleazy.  I talked to her last night, about nothing in particular.  She had spent her holidays in Mindoro and was telling me about it.  The pictures looked breathtaking, the island beach and the spectacular sunset.

“Oh I’m drunk,” she said about her time there.  “Happy happy together with friend.  I sing to Mindoro.”

She meant that she got drunk on the beach with her friend and sang to the island.  I pictured that and wondered how anyone could think that wasn’t paradise.  To drink on a warm island at sunset and sing to the land and the water.

“I sang Filipino song,” she continued.  “It was beautiful ‘cause I was drunk and sing the wrong lyrics.”

It made me quickly think back to the house I owned in Charlotte and the small square of land that came with it, how I’d sometimes sit outside and drink a beer and look at it.  ‘Underwhelming’ would describe it suitably.  I wonder what Samantha F. would think of that little, fenced in-piece of land.  She would probably dream of being on a beach in Mindoro, singing the wrong lyrics to an old Filipino song.



44 thoughts on “Samantha F. Works in Laundry and Wants to be My Wife! (I Think)

  1. Emma

    LOVE it! And your blog inspires me to want to write better! Your hilarious and well-written. What is it that you are doing over there for work?

  2. Sooooo now I coooooommmme to you, with oooooooopen arms. Nothing to hide. Believe what I saaaaayyyy….

    Thanks. Now you put that stupid song in my head…

  3. harana (serenade) is kind of out of date now but most filipino guys still do it in a non-conventional way. it’s still pretty cool though. nice song choice btw.
    i feel weird when you think of filipinas as homicidal maniacs out to get you for your passport. i can’t blame you though, some really do the things you heard of and worst but we’re not all that bad. oh yeah, i’m a filipina. (don’t laugh i’m not being defensive, i really just find it weird)
    i hope you enjoy your vacation, its a beautiful country with lots of beautiful things (i sound like a tourist ad)
    if you have time try the local gin, it’s the worst thing you can drink and will give you the mother of all hang-overs but it will make you feel like a local 🙂

    • Oh, you’re filipina? No wonder you’re so cool. I’m seriously all about the Philippines right now. It seems like the greatest, coolest place in the world. Too bad they speak really good English there and don’t need foreign teachers.

      I will absolutely do the local gin now that you’ve mentioned it. And I will dedicate my hangover to Isabella Kai. : P

  4. I had someone from college Friend me a while back and he went on and on about a disgusting party trick I used to do, and how cool it was. Only, I didn’t do the party trick, ever (Mostly because it was disgusting). I didn’t know how to say, “Hey, it’s nice to hear from you, even though it took 20 minutes to figure out who you are, but you obviously don’t know who I am.”

  5. So you’re really coming over? Welcome to the PH!

    Isabella’s right, it’s kind of outdated now but it’s still sweet when somebody does that. Some Filipinas though are weary of dating foreigners because of what others might think about them.

    Good luck with the climate though. One moment it’s blistering hot and then it’ll suddenly pour like you did something wrong to incur the wrath of gods.

    Make sure to hit the beaches though and try that local gin! 🙂

    • Yes! Can’t wait. Doing Cebu, Bohol, and Boracay, with last day in Manila cause that’s where I fly out. Wish I had more time to see Hanging Coffins and Palawan, but I only have a week and couldn’t fit those in. : (

      What? You big racists! Bad to date a foreigner…just kidding, that’s pretty much exactly how it is in Korea too. I will bring an umbrella to keep myself safe from the wrath of God. I fully expect to get a terrible sun burn, so that won’t be a surprise.

      If I get drunk and lost on the beach, I’m just going to scream your name as loud as I can. “Jishi Fruit!!!” So, like, keep your ears open.

      • Wow. Love the itinerary, man. I might go to Bohol early this year too. 😀 I haven’t been to Palawan though, I might just do that before world end. Ha ha.

        I told you, if it’s Matthew Goode, or someone that looks like him, I’d definitely date a foreigner. Or maybe Adam Levine of Maroon 5. 😉 Btw, even with an umbrella, it’s still sweltering hot. Until it rains and it becomes humid. lol

        If I hear that Jishi Fruit out of nowhere, I’ll know it’s you. 😀

  6. In Singapore, there’s a term called “Sarong Party Girl” which denotes Asian girls who are just out to snare themselves a white guy. I used to be incredibly cynical about that, but recently I’ve been told by a lot of the white guys that I worked with that the girls in the Thai discos that they frequent are just really really friendly and it’s nothing sleazy at all. They’ve developed proper relationships, been to Thailand to meet the girls families and basically it’s really wholesome stuff.

    Then it all came crumbling down again when I found out that one of them has had sex with the entire Thai population of Singapore.

    • Bahaha – “wholesome stuff.” Yeah, I was a bit skeptical when I read that. I have to say this for the Korean girls: they’re pretty much always in charge. Some of them just want to sleep with foreign guys, others want serious relationships…either way, the girls are fairly strong when it comes to keeping to those objectives. Perhaps that’s the same with the Thai girls in Singapore. I dunno…I guess the point (?) is that the Korean girls don’t seem naive and used, which is good.

      Cheers Drew! Go get yourself a Thai girl! haha

  7. Hmpf. I see you have not fixed your 4 maximum reply…
    I had a relpy for you but now I have forgotten because I am peeved at this wordpress cap off. I will not be silenced!!

  8. Whoa ! Did I hear my glorious name ?

    Hey, Bill, run away from Samatha ! I can feel it in my bones…. she ‘s out to get youuuuuuuu ! LOL Oh, by the way, I just found out there’s a Korean school just a few blocks from our house in the Philippines….. used to be a Japanese school .

    Bill, just have fun… drink beer and enjoy the sunset at the beach. ( the Philippines has one of the best,,, San Miguel Beer, Pale Pilsen ), and maybe flirt a little , but don’t fall for any cute young Filipina, 7 out of 10, she’s eyeing your passport.

    Hey, I’m not dissing my fellow Filipinas….. * whispers* Philippine women make good wives… they will treat you guys like kings, blah, blah, and will never divorce you. They’re loyal, gentle and sweet. . It’s sad that due to bad economic situation over there, some Filipinas have to resort to less noble ways to escape the quagmire they’re in.

    • Hi Renx! I think there’s a 25% chance I’ll come out of this trip with a wife. We’ll see.

      I’m hoping to get some whacky stories out of the trip at least. Fingers crossed. I’m sure things will spiral out of control at some point.

      The Koreans are taking over the world, Renx. In thirty years, we’ll all be eating kimchi and trying to avoid fan death. : )

  9. First time poster, fair amount of time reader. Is there anyone voting for you to meet Samantha F? If not, I will be the first. She seems alright and this would be a great blog post. Just thinking about it make me excited. This could put you on the road to becoming Nicholas Sparks. As long as things don’t get creepy, it sounds like fun, like meeting a 5th grade penpal. Bon Voyage!

    • Always good to hear from new people! Yeah, you know, I’m kind of on the ‘go for it’ end of the spectrum right now, but sadly I think it’s not going to happen…haven’t heard from her in a few days. Ah well! Guess no free laundry service for me.

      “The road to becoming Nicholas Sparks.” I guess we can all dream. My debut can be called “A Rigodon to Remember.” I think that’s catchy!


  10. Hahahaha. This is what you get for adding a random on facebook.

    When I first moved to Melbourne I was on facebook in an internet cafe and this guy added me and I accepted, just like you, thinking that we had mutual friends.

    Nada. So I asked him if he knew someone I knew etc etc, he replied etc etc and then I left.
    The next time I logged on I had a private message from him telling me that he was the guy sitting next to me in the internet cafe…and perhaps we could go out sometime?

    • That’s a beautiful story, Ms. Motion. How was the date? He sounds like a romantic gentleman.

      Actually, that’s extremely f’n creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you never went to an Internet cafe or went on Facebook again.

  11. Aloha

    I had EXACTLY that happen to me….it has been 4 years now and she is the most amazing woman I have ever met!

    One this though, that pic of the beach is not Philippines,

    It is the Waiana’e coast of Oahu, looking towards Kaena point and Makua Valley……

    I love my Emma!

    aloha nui,

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