Broken Internet Report, Straight From the Masterbatorium


Ever since I moved to Seoul, I’ve been stealing my Internet from the good people at Samsung.  There’s a Samsung building by me and their WiFi is about as available as Hipster Trish after four cocktails.  The whole stolen Internet thing is working out great, but once in awhile it cuts out, as has been the case this weekend.  Right now I’m sitting in the “Joy PC Cafe” across the street from me.  I’m in a room with about one hundred Asian kids playing videogames.  On the walls, there are sayings like “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction,” or “Love creates an us without destroying a me.”  There are pictures of half-naked Korean girls here and there.  I’ve been to the Joy PC Cafe before and was a little hesitant to go in, as I feared there was some seedy business going on.  I asked Leah why it’s called a “joy” cafe and why there are pictures of girls in underwear.  She said, “They have room with Kleenex for masterbation.”  Oh, swell! 

Well, due to my broken Internet,  I’ve been unable to post my upcoming rant on how it’s embarrassing to be American (something to look forward to).  Instead I’ll post this quickly and continue to look around and try to spot the masterbation room.  Not because I want to use it, but because I want to see someone slink out of it in shame. 

There’s nothing in the world as humiliating as being in the Joy PC Cafe masterbatorium and realizing, all too late, that they’re out of Kleenex.



25 thoughts on “Broken Internet Report, Straight From the Masterbatorium

  1. No, I seriously died laughing reading this! It’s wet and miserable here and I’m utterly exhausted from traveling all day – I read this piece of hilariousness and things look a little bit better :]

    • Yeah, I would hope the down load rate is pretty fast. Wouldn’t want anyone stuck in there for hours, waiting for their video to work. That could lead to a lawsuit – “Because of the slow down load rate in the PC cafe, your honor, my client had to go to the hospital with serious chaffing.”

    • I was thinking about this – is it worse to go to a hooker or to the masterbation pc cafe? I think ethically it’s worse to go to the hooker, but, at the same time, I would somehow feel more humiliated if someone saw me leaving the masterbation pc cafe.

      • Well it depends if this masterbatorium is like the old school strip club gangsters ran where the window opens and you insert a coin- OR if it is porn alone. Anyway, sometimes its exciting for someone to know what you just did… BUT it is a PC cafe which means a lot of video game boys with their V-card. And,well… there’s nothing exciting about that unless your coming out of the room with a girl…. Preferably one that doesn’t look like a hooker. Otherwise the epic triumph of blowing their minds turns to an epic fail of ‘been there, done that, do you have a club membership?’

        PS. I do know not every gamer is stuck with a vcard. But stilll….. 😀

  2. My Internet is broken too, so I’m commenting using my phone’s 3G. Nice post! I live in Taiwan, and now I’m going to be looking more carefully at the internet cafes around here. Ha

    • Haha – I have a friend who teaches in Taiwan and he loves it! In fact, I almost came to Taiwan for New Years to visit, but the flight was a little too expensive. I hear nothing but good things, so you must be a happy lady, Emily. : )

  3. seoulsurvivor

    Anyounghasaeyo! Im also living in korea(originally from california) and i just wanna say how much i enjoy reading ur blog. I love ur writing and ur posts never fail to make me laugh. Its damn interesting to read about what other fellow waykookins are going through. Keep it up man.

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