For years I’ve agonized, trying to come up with a totally original and brilliant idea for a movie. I figured that’s what it took to pitch something to Hollywood; that they were looking for the newest and most unique stories they could find to make into their next major summer blockbusters. Silly me. Recently I’ve realized that I’ve been wrong all this time. Of course Hollywood doesn’t want some crazy new plot or a bunch of well-drawn characters! That’s fodder for the Independent Film Channel or something. Hollywood keeps it simple, stupid. Hollywood wants sequels, crossovers, super heroes, vampires, old cartoons…things EVERYBODY loves! So after redirecting my focus, I came up with 5 outstanding ideas that meet those requirements. Here they are below, ready to blow you away.
1. Once Bitten 2 – From what I understand, those Twilight movies were a big deal. I saw the first one, and learned that it’s okay to glow and be all glittery if you’re a vampire. Let’s say Edward was just a normal dude, maybe on the football team. I think he would’ve gotten flack for the glowing. The glowing might not have been as accepted. Just saying. But I digress – Twilight involves teens and vampires, which made me think of the 80s movie Once Bitten. Let’s forget a few minor things…like the fact that Once Bitten was absolutely awful. It involved vampires. That’s the important thing.
Once Bitten starred Lauren Hutton and Jim Carrey, before he got famous. Now Jim Carrey is a major star and I think Lauren Hutton might possibly still be alive. The plot involved an aging vampire (Hutton) who had to bite a virgin – three times! – in order to stay youthful. She had a good thing with Carrey, but he got mercy sex from his girlfriend in a coffin before Hutton could seal the deal. For the sequel, we ditch the premise, move out of the 80s, and fight the urge to re-cast Carrey as a teenager. I’m not sure what happens after that. We can hire 5-10 screenwriters to figure that out.
2. The Raccoons 3D – Putting something in 3D is all the rage, and if it worked for The Smurfs, it’s bound to work for the Canadian environmentalist cartoon The Raccoons. Who wouldn’t want to see Bert and Melissa Raccoon battle Cyril Sneer on an IMAX screen? To keep the big wigs happy, we don’t have to have all that “save the rainforest” mumbo jumbo. In the update, The Raccoons will be satisfied with turning it into a tourist attraction so they can both preserve AND profit from it. One thing that has to stay is the amazing closing song – Run With Us. I’m thinking Timbaland does a remix with Justin Bieber and Avril Lavigne (since they’re Canadian too). Perhaps the success of this will lead to a Littlest Hobo movie.
3. Hogwarts of the Dead – Harry Potter fills seats. Zombies fill seats. Put the two together, and you’ve got the biggest money maker in the history of mankind. Plus, crisscrossing movies always works – need I remind you of the huge successes that were Alien vs. Predator and Freddy vs. Jason? This idea is staggeringly good: While Harry Potter is at Hogwarts, a zombie plague suddenly hits, changing all your favorite characters into flesh eating ghouls! I’m seeing a knock out scene where Snape eats Dumbledore’s brain. Anyways, Harry, Hermione, and Ron Weasley – actually, I never liked his name, so he’ll be known in this movie as ‘Doug Flutie’ – have to save the world by defeating the zombies. I’m going to stop right there, because this is just too exciting. Pride and Prejudice with Zombies had the right idea but was aimed at the wrong demographic. Forget being ironic, we’re going for gore…in a PG-13 kind of way.
4. Carousel of Progress: Curse of the Black Gramophone – Everybody laughed when they made Pirates of the Caribbean. “Ha!” they said. “You can’t turn a Disney World ride into a movie.” Look who’s laughing now. Actually, I’m not sure who’s laughing now…where was I going with that? Let’s get back on track. Another Disney attraction turned into a movie is bound to be successful, and I’ve always liked the Carousel of Progress. It’s awesome. You sit completely still while the ride moves. How audacious. The Carousel shows you how innovation and technology have changed our lives since the World’s Fair in 1904. There’s a father and a whole family that we get to see grow old as the Carousel of Progress revolves. It goes without saying that Johnny Depp would play the father. As far as the plot goes, I say don’t mess with a good thing. There won’t be a dry eye in the house when modern times arrive, Depp has passed away, and the family gathers around a photo of him to sing “There’s a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow.”
5. Rain Man Begins – Superheroes. They’re as popular these days as the kids not in my circle of friends were in high school. That is to say, they’re really really popular. One problematic thing is that I’ve never been into comic books and I don’t know anything about DC or Marvel or any of that. So in coming up with my Superhero movie, the best I could think of was Rain Man. I mean, he has super counting skills and “man” is already in his name. Close enough! This movie is a prequel, taking place before Rain Man mastered the casinos or farted in the phone booth. Raymond is an average boy, but when he recites the “Who’s On First?” routine, watch out! He transforms into Rain Man, a superhero who can count a lot of stuff and has superior recall ability! To keep the crossing over alive, in Rain Man Begins, our hero must battle the evil Cyril Sneer, who has moved on from the rainforest and is now running an airline that isn’t adhering to safety standards. As we all know, Rain Man won’t stand for unsafe air travel! Let the excitement begin! We must be sure to keep Tom Cruise away though – that guy’s box office poison.
Whew! So there they are in all their glory. Be sure to look for these titles at a multiplex near you!