Drunk guys are funny, especially if you put one around a woman. On a Thursday night in Goose Goose, some drunk dude staggered over to my friend Kelsey and offered to buy her a drink. She accepted, of course, because she’s the type of gal that takes advantage of intoxicated philanthropy. The guy tried to hold a conversation with her, but it was impossible. He had drunk himself into a state of social awkwardness that he couldn’t get out of. Nevertheless, he didn’t give up, not seeming to mind that Clare and I were listening to everything he said.
Throwing small talk to the wind, he went with flattery instead. “You have great pipes,” he said.
A few minutes later he wandered off and we were left to wonder what he meant. It’s not as if Kelsey was singing. How would he know how great her pipes were?
“Pipes must mean something else,” Clare concluded. “Maybe he meant you have great breasts.”
“Why would pipes mean breasts?” she asked.
“I don’t have a clue,” Clare said. “What else would pipes be?”
Because it was a matter of great importance, we asked a bunch of random people at the bar what they thought the guy meant.
“Pipes are legs. They call legs pipes in England. Was he British?”
“Pipes are…eyes? I don’t know.”
For some reason – no, not some reason, the reason would be that we were drunk and had nothing better to talk about – it became really important for us to know what the guy meant. We called the guy back over and asked him, “You said she has great pipes. What are pipes?”
“I didn’t say she has great pipes!” the guy said loudly. “What the hell does that mean?”
“We don’t know. What did you say, then?”
“I said she has great pips,” he slurred, ordered another drink, and walked off to talk to some other girl. Presumably because her pips were better.