I have no life. I sit around my apartment all the time doing nothing, goofing off on the Internet. Now, this is bad, because it means that my lame ass has nothing interesting to write in this blog. However, it’s also good, because I’ve been able to locate some amazing news stories that clearly the general public needs to know about. They’re unimportant, stupid, and great!
Super! Now that the boring background information is out of the way, let’s dive into this week’s most awesome, ridiculous news stories, in Topiclessbar’s amazing new feature: “Bullshit In The News!”
Story #1: British Man Cooks and Eats His Own Finger
Let’s say you get in an accident, and your finger is cut off. Would you A) throw the finger away, B) use the finger to entertain people at parties, or C) eat the finger. Well, recently a man named Dave Playpenz – yes, take a moment to savor that name – ate his own finger after it was severed in a motorcycle accident. Playpenz admits to being “curious” about cannibalism and saw this as his one opportunity to satisfy that curiosity. I guess if he gets in another accident next week and loses a leg, it’ll sort of be like ordering seconds.
Final Judgement: It’s not cool to eat your own body parts unless you are a chicken, in which case I would understand coating your wings with buffalo sauce and going to town.
Story #2: Author Barred From GLAAD Awards
Bret Easton Ellis, the guy who wrote the novel “American Psycho,” was told this week that he’s not allowed to attend the GLAAD Awards, after making offensive comments on Twitter. Ellis (who, if you’re curious, is gay), tweeted that watching Glee is like “stepping in a puddle of AIDS.” He also said actor Matt Bomer couldn’t play Christian Grey in the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey movie, because he would “come off totally gay in white collar.” Personally, I think that I only come off a little gay when I put on my leather bondage gear.
Final Judgement: I love Bret Easton Ellis. And at least we all learned that AIDS can apparently come in puddle form.
Story #3: News Anchor Has Bad First Day
On his first day as the anchor for a news program in North Dakota, AJ Clement made a little mistake. Mumbling into his live microphone, he began the newscast by clearly saying the words “fucking shit.” Not really what you’re supposed to begin the 5:00 news with. Clement proceeded to bumble his way through the rest of the program, and then got fired afterwards. One newscast and done. A rough day at work, but still better than the guy in Story #4…
Final Judgement: It’s just a bad idea in general to talk to yourself out loud. Keep that fucking shit to yourself, guy.
Story #4: Teacher Beats Student, Then Beats His Own Penis
Sigh. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. A South Korean teacher was arrested last week after flipping out in class, physically attacking one of his students, and then rushing out into the hallway of the school and masturbating. School administrators were shocked, as this was NOT in his lesson plan. The police released the teacher after determining that he “does not appear to have any mental problems.” This conclusion seems odd, and makes me wonder what goes on in the hallway of the police station.
Final Judgement: It’s pretty bad when assaulting someone is the second worst thing you do in a day.
That’s all for this week. Enjoy the rest of your day, and if you’re feeling down, just be glad you aren’t AJ Clement, or the janitor of that school in Seoul. I’ll be back later this week with a fun entry about going nuts in Bank of China. Adios muchachos!