I Don’t Want To Shower, I Don’t Want To Blog, And I Don’t Want To Eat Brain

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blog showerI could feel the funk settling in. My floor was littered with unwashed clothes, and I hadn’t showered in two days. That’s the thing about depression – there are generally signs of it everywhere. See, depression doesn’t sneak up on you like Oscar Pistorious’ girlfriend on Valentine’s Day; it slowly makes itself at home. One day you sleep until noon but shrug it off. Then, before you know it, you haven’t shaved in two weeks and you’re suddenly listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell.

Well, at least that’s what happened to me. Relocating to China was beginning to wear me down, bum me out. Moving someplace new, really, is a lot like buying a porn magazine. Sure, the new issue of “Juggs” is thrilling for a day or two, but pretty quickly it gets boring, depressing to own, and you want it to go away. So was the case with China, at least in the early stages. The first few days were fun, but then I didn’t want to see its breasts any more, metaphorically speaking.

“Hey,” I said on the phone, calling one of the school coordinators, “I don’t mean to complain, but I can’t get any hot water in the shower.”

“Oh, you know it gets turned off, right?” she responded.

“No, I had no idea. What time does it get turned off?”

“7:30 AM.”

As soon as the number left her mouth, I knew I would not be showering again. Sure, getting up at that time would be fine when classes began. Until then, while the school was on vacation and I wasted the two weeks away memorizing the lyrics to “Blue” and attempting to feel better about myself by watching “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” there would be no way I’d be able to wake in time for the hot water. No, I would become dirty and disgusting, like a homeless person or someone vacationing with Carnival Cruise Lines. I considered my options – taking a cold shower or investing in a good bottle of cologne and bathing in the style of so many great Italians before me – and decided to just sleep more.

blog firewallWriting this blog also seemed impossible. The Great Firewall of China was proving to be a greater foe than I had anticipated. Without exaggerating, I seriously spent about 10 hours trying to put a stupid Mitch Hedberg picture in my AIDS post, getting kicked offline by the proxy server over and over again. “Son of a bitch!” I shouted. “When I read there were Internet blocks in China, I didn’t expect that to apply to me!”

And then there was food. It took about a week to find a grocery store that stocked it. Finally I did, and I ran back home with delight, having purchased a whole chicken, cooked rotisserie style. I got home and cut it up with kitchen scissors. Starving, I devoured it. At one point, I was trying to gnaw the flesh off some part of the chicken – what appeared to be a wing – and was having trouble. I took the chicken from my lips and looked at it.

“What the hell is this?” I thought. Right after that I rotated it in my fingers, like it was back on the rotisserie, the image turning right side up, and that’s about the time my heart stopped. “Dear God…it’s the head!”

blog chicken headYes, apparently the head of the chicken is not removed in the grocery store, and I had been nibbling on it. It was a horrifying sight to behold. Brown, soft and gelatinous, its empty eye socket stared up at me. “Fuckin’ shit!” I screamed, throwing its face back down onto my plate. It had to go, immediately. I grabbed a fork and thrust it down upon the chicken head, puncturing it through one of its eye sockets. Dinner had turned into a nightmare, and there was a gooey brown head on the end of my fork like a piece of fudge brownie from hell.

Afterwards, the chicken head flushed down the toilet, I sat on the bed and shook. I felt like a murderer. Terrible thoughts ran through my head. I pictured purchasing a bucket of KFC and opening it to find Colonel Sanders’ decapitated head inside.

Thankfully, things started getting better. Just as depression is quite apparent at its onset, it’s easy to tell when it’s left too. Things began to make sense and a new routine started to form. Plus, I got my passport back, which meant a quick trip to Korea to see my wonderful girlfriend, and if anything can get a guy over the self-loathing that comes from having eaten something’s scalp, love can.

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35 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Shower, I Don’t Want To Blog, And I Don’t Want To Eat Brain

  1. Probably too obvious to suggest, but have you tried hidemyass VPN or strongVPN for your firewall-piercing needs? The former has always been quite functional enough to keep me from checking out the latter, but I’ve heard good things about it, too..

    • Hey man! Yeah, I need to just buy a VPN. That’s what everyone is telling me. I’ve been cheap and trying to get by on the free shit. I’ll look up those two you suggested and get one. That’d be a relief. Thanks!

    • Yeah, my free proxy is so inconsistent it’s maddening. One minute everything works fine, the next minute I’m kicked off. Or the Internet becomes ridiculously slow. I shall have to cough up some money for a VPN. That I can have blog emancipation again. : )

  2. The Great FireWall of China….I was happy to discover that the eating of brains in your title did not signal yet another blogger turning to zombies for a topic. I had some family visit China for a few weeks several years ago, and they were quickly surprised that the cuisine didn’t match what they usually bought at the strip mall Chinese restaurant in the midwest. They somehow found a chain restaurant and lived off of McFood the rest of their stay.

    • 1 Point! Yeah, screw zombies – so sick of them. Cannibalism is still funny though. I have indeed located the McDonald’s and am thrilled to know it’s location. Although it feels slightly shameful to go in there and desperately point at the picture of the Big Mac until the Chinese girl understands what you’re trying to order. It makes me feel so American.

  3. Topical references there, Bill. Glad to see a post. Just bite the bullet and pay for a VPN.

    We also bought a whole chicken when we were in Vietnam, and this same exact thing happened to Ty. It became our go-to reference for horrors that befall you on vacation. “You ever seen a chicken head between two chopsticks?!”

    • Hahaha! I’m so happy to read that! I would’ve loved to have seen Ty’s reaction to the chicken head. I feel a tight brother-like bond with him now.

      Funny you should mention the topical references! That’s been my inner debate recently. I’ve always tried to avoid them, but with this post I just wanted to have some fun and nothing says “fun” like an Oscar Pistorious joke. Topical references to be used sparingly in the future I think. : )

  4. China, huh! Looks like I’ve been off blogging for ages now. There’s so much to catch up!
    I thought chicken feet were their creepiest part, until I read this! I am glad you don’t feel as blue :) Love can certainly erase the most disturbing of thoughts!

    • Aparna! You’re alive!!!

      Yes, China. I think it will end up being a good experience. I would much rather eat chicken feet (or like sheep testicles too for that matter) than the chicken head. Good to hear from you my friend! Post something please – I would like an update as well! : )

      • Haha! I was held up writing a technical book-chapter the last coupla months. It’s good to be back. I actually wrote a tiny piece on V’day last week (dunno if you got a chance to read it). The next post is coming up soon!

      • Writing a technical book chapter? That sounds difficult. Like hell. Glad to hear you’re done! : )

        Yeah, I haven’t read any blogs for the last couple weeks because China blocks WordPress and my proxy sucks. Gonna mosey over to your blog now and read about Valentine’s day. Sweet!

    • Haha. Yes. Is that you??? Wow, you look nothing like I thought. You look mad young Isabella! And you have a stuffed animal! I feel like by responding to this comment, Chris Hansen is going to pop out any second and start grilling me!

      • haha don’t let my ‘dongkie’ fool you :P i juz love plushies and don’t worry i’m juz immature not underaged :) actually i’m already on my late twenties.
        shame on you for making me admit how old i am! have great day bill. i hope you’ll feel better soon.

  5. Ho crap! I haven’t been here for such a long time I missed out on it that you’ve gone off to CHINA!! No shower, no internet, how long are you really gonna stay there? Man… Anyway if you’re gonna be there for a year or so, grab yourself a VPN. It reduces the misery! But I guess you’ll still not get any showers…

    • 100% of Topiclessbar commentors agree – I need to get a VPN. : )

      Yes, Rustic! For complicated reasons, I moved to China and will be here until July 2014. The shower has been good today. Looks like somebody’s school finally paid the water bill – sweet!!!

  6. And now because of love Bill you are going to get a shower! And even if the Firewall is so Great, I know you can beat that! :D

    By the way, we eat chicken head here. We barbecue it hehe…together with its intestines and feet. But I like chicken feet more than the head. We even cook it adobo. I agree with you, the head is disgusting seeing its peeking eyes on the half closed eyelids while you devour it. hehe

    • Hi Jep!!! Yeah, you’re right, it’s got the closed eyelids, like it’s taking a nap or something. How do you even eat chicken feet? There’s meat on them? If I prepared myself, I think I could do the intestine and feet bbq. What could surprise me? A breast or a wing? That’s a good mental state to be in – when all the possible surprises are good ones.

      Have an awesome weekend Jepiner! : )

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