Censorship? Censor This!

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Like a concerned parent, the People’s Republic of China cares about what its citizens are looking at on the Internet. This is obviously a good thing. We all know that information can be a dangerous – hence the coining of the phrase “TMI.” China’s Golden Shield Project was put into place to stop this, by blocking harmful websites, including such menaces as Facebook, YouTube, and WordPress.

Yes, that’s correct – you are now reading subversive, highly sensitive material. It feels good, doesn’t it, a little naughty, like the first time you looked at an adult website or found your ex-girlfriend’s new address online and then parked your car outside her apartment for two days (not that I’ve done that numerous times or anything). I know, this blog doesn’t seem like something that would have to be smuggled through a super firewall, but, alas, it is. Just by writing this, I’m putting myself in danger, bringing you material that’s not supposed to be available to the public, sort of like the founder of WikiLeaks or Perez Hilton.  

Ah, I jest. It’s true, though, that I had to email this to my girlfriend and she had to put it up; even with a proxy, China rejected this post like it was a basketball and the PRC was Dikembe Mutombo. It’s also true that The Golden Shield causes me slight paranoia, as if a future post entitled “8 Things About China that Bug Me” might provoke the authorities to lock me away in a prison cell or soy-sauce-board me, which is like waterboarding with an Asian twist (be on the lookout for my next post, “8 Things I Absolutely Love About Wonderful Fantastic China”).

On the other hand, having to smuggle posts through a firewall makes me feel kind of cool. I’ve always wanted to smuggle something. Every time I go through customs at the airport, I get nervous that they’ll search my luggage, locating the “I Love Bangkok” t-shirt I didn’t declare on the form, like I’m in a spy movie, sneaking microfilm across the border. I get all sweaty and nod to the customs guy, then laugh nervously as I hand him the little card. That’s right, I’m declaring nothing. It’s similar to the end of Argo, except instead of American diplomats, I’m sneaking out shot glasses and refrigerator magnets.

I’ve also fantasized about smuggling drugs from one place to another. Not that I’d ever do that, but it’s fun to try and come up with the perfect plan. I think that if I was going to smuggle cocaine or something, and I had to get past a K-9 Unit, I’d get my own dog and hide the drugs in his rectum. Then, when the K-9 dog sniffs his butt and starts going crazy, I’d coolly explain the situation to the police. “My dog is clean,” I’d say. “He just has difficulty making friends.”

Say that explanation somehow didn’t fly. No worries. I’d only have to throw my pet under the bus to avoid punishment (not literally, although that might work too). “Listen,” I would say, shaking my head, “I had no idea that he’d gotten involved in this. It’s the Snausages – he’ll do anything for them. In fact, I’ve noticed him hanging out with some Chihuahuas lately…who knows what cartel those freaky little bastards run with. Anyways, I think it’s pretty clear to all of us that the dog is acting independently.”

So, my point is, this whole Internet censorship thing, to some extent, satisfies my smuggling fantasy. Nothing, not even Operation Golden Shower or whatever it’s called, can stop this blog from lumbering on. I’m really happy to be in China, and although the Internet censorship will probably be a bit irritating, it’s nothing more than another obstacle for a blogger to overcome, not much different from having to proofread your own work or the nightmare of posting through a slow Internet connection.

And, um, just in case anyone from China’s government happens to be reading this, I would like you to know that I’m planning on having an awesome time here. So don’t be worried. I’ve always supported China. In fact, I’ve been buying products made here for ages.

 

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29 thoughts on “Censorship? Censor This!

  1. See, I think the US government should put some sort of fake ban on Word Press, just so I can feel like a rebel every time I post. “I post this farcical jab at Papa Murphy’s Pizza in the NAME OF FREEDOM!”

    And products made in China? Weird.

    • Hi Ren! My proxy is working for the first time and today marks the first day I can use WordPress freely (watch me get thrown in prison tonight or something).

      I had to move to China because my Korean visa re-application got rejected (long story, not willing to share). So theoretically I’ll be here for the next year and a half, teaching. Although, that said, I feel like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown, so who knows if I’ll be able to last so long. What you up to, Sis? Wanna come visit me in an unoccupied forest somewhere in the middle of nowhere in China? No? I thought we were family!

      • Noooo ! Really ? What the heck ! ! !

        Anyway, be careful with your words, Oppa ! You know about the trigger words, right? =_=”

        Well, I’m with you, in spirit, he he he.

        Oh, man. hang in there ! !

      • Trigger words, as in…… never mind. Oppa, do you think the other country got to read some of your posts ? Coz, you see, I know of one guy, an English teacher too who was kinda, you know, a bit of a critic? The employer found out about his blog. His work visa was not renewed.

      • Aniyo, Sister! I’m going to be cryptic, but I know what happened and the blog has nothing to do with it. Your friend must’ve really riled some feathers! Dang!

        Gonna go Google trigger words now. Thanks for increasing my paranoia. : D

  2. Good to know you’re fighting the man!

    Personally, I loathe going through airports because every single time I get tested for explosives, frisked or questioned. Apparently as a young white girl travelling by herself, I am therefore a heroin addict!

    • Hey, maybe they’re just trying to steal time with you. Do they ask for your phone number or email on the immigration form? Cause they don’t do that with other people. One day, SIM, one of those immigration guys could become your future husband. Awesome thought, eh? : D

    • Yeah, apparently they’re feuding with Japan over an island, just like Korea was. What’s with Japan and all these islands? Anyways, I will support whoever has the best food. Which means Vietnam.

      It’s nothing personal China. I just really like pho.

      • No, you’re absolutely right. I’m a very paranoid person. My work permit is still being processed. Because I’m paranoid, I fear the work permit will get rejected. Thus, I currently have a crappy free proxy. But when the permit goes through and I know I’m here for good, I’ll buy VPN. That ’tis the plan. Good looking out, Richard. : )

    • Yo! No, I’m okay. I have a proxy. For the first week, it worked like shit and I could go on Facebook but it was extremely slow, so bad it was not really worth going on. WordPress barely worked at all – I couldn’t post with the proxy or respond to comments or anything. Anyways, today, for random reasons I’ll never understand, the proxy is working wonderfully. Thank God. Internet is back. Now I can go leave more anti-gun rhetoric on Facebook (jk jk).

    • Jep! Today is the first day my proxy works and I’ve been able to get on here. Hopefully things stay like that. I’m seriously in the middle of nowhere, girl, and going crazy. Quick! Go write like ten long blog posts! Entertain me!

      • Awesome! Please do. It’s funny, the school has Beijing in the name, but it’s seriously in the middle of nowhere, there’s nothing around here, no civilization to speak of. I did not anticipate this properly. So anyways, I need my proxy to work or I’ll go nuts. Hopefully there are lots of good posts to go catch up on. : )

      • haha…so cool! In the middle of nowhere with nothing…it’s something to write about…very different…maybe you can use your imagination to materialize something there…hehe

      • Yeah, I dunno about that. I foresee having absolutely nothing to write about. I’m going to become a boring person really quickly…not that I’m not boring already. : )

        If you ever go to Beijing, Jeps, and found yourself lost in an endless wilderness, maybe I’ll run into you. haha.

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