The Topiclessbar Halloween Extravaganza!
Halloween – everybody’s favorite fringe holiday – is here again, so break out the peanut butter cups and let’s party! At our kick-ass Halloween gathering, I will be expecting the girls to dress slutty, as that is just as big a part of Halloween as the candy is (ideas: slutty nurse, slutty cop, slutty zombie, yourself if that fits). The guys will be required to wear funny costumes, since that’s all the rage and is more modern and less tacky than, say, a wolfman mask. What’s funny? That depends on your sense of humor. Perhaps the middle-finger costume pictured above will suit you (thanks Pierre), or, if you have a more topical sense of humor, you could dress as Mitt Romney and carry around a binder of women and constantly change your position on candy corn (“I used to favor the yellow base, but now I believe the orange center is the best part”).
Who else will be at The Topiclessbar Halloween Extravaganza? I’m glad you asked! I’ve invited 10 of my favorite horror movie characters, and these freaks sure can party!
1. Seth Brundle aka Brundlefly/The Fly: Want party tricks? Brundlefly can puke on command and even eats it afterwards! True, he might use it to melt your hand or eat your date, but we don’t make fun of bulimic people, and we’re not going to mock Brundlefly’s eating disorder either.
2. Carrie White/Carrie: If you’re looking for interesting conversation, Carrie White is the girl for you. Ask her questions like, “Say, what is telekinesis?” or “How is it possible that you didn’t have your first period until the end of your senior year in high school?” Just don’t mention anything about how she’s covered in pig’s blood and, for the love of God, don’t touch her dirty pillows.
3. Schlitze the Pinhead/Freaks: Not to be confused with Pinhead from Hellraiser, Schilitze is called a pinhead because he has a tiny little noggin. He’s just as freaky though; keep your fingers crossed he leaves his friends at home.
4. Mutant Worms/Tremors: Sure, they kill people…but they also bring folks together. And if Kevin Bacon can handle them, who can’t? The first of 2 mutant worm groups on this list.
5. Zombie Baby/Dead Alive: Aww, isn’t he adorable!!!!!
6. Belial/Basket Case: The smaller half of a pair of Siamese Twins, Belial is just so misunderstood. Love him. And if you’ve never seen Basket Case (or Brain Damage by the same director), do yourself a favor and download. Sleaze has never been so much fun.
7. Esther/Orphan: Much like the others on this list, Esther only wants to find somebody to love her, preferably a sexy stud who can satisfy her father complex. Sure, she’s batty and can get annoying, but at least she’ll kill your kids, so she’s good for something.
8. Michael Berryman/The Hills Have Eyes and Many Others: I know what you’re thinking – Michael Berryman is an actual person and not a character from a horror movie. Point well taken. He’s kind of the equivalent to one though; instead of calling it “The Hills Have Eyes,” they might as well have called it, “Michael Berryman has a Funny Head.” Cause that’s all I remember from it. The hills, which I don’t remember, made far less of an impression.
9. Asami/Audition: Completing the trio of screwed up women (with Carrie and Esther) is Asami, who loves men so much she cuts off their legs and makes them live in sacks. She’s also the most frightening thing to appear on screen in the last 15 years, not counting Miley Cyrus (did you see LOL? I did, and it made me wish I was in the sack with no legs).
10. Mutant Worms/Squirm: An electrical tower goes down, zapping earthworms and causing them to attack. This is the real premise of 1976’s B-horror opus Squirm, which, not surprisingly, has slipped into the realm of obscurity…despite being not-so-bad. At least it has one great scene, involving a person taking a shower of worms. Forget the shower scene in Psycho, Squirm tops that easily. What would you rather be – stabbed to death by a drag queen or showered with worms? I’m taking the drag queen…
And that, my friends, brings us to the end. Enjoy your Halloween, stay safe, and for anybody trapped inside from Sandy, here’s an amazing list of horror movies for download ideas…which might help take your mind off the 5 trees that fell on your house yesterday. Peace!