45 Pages of Sex and Counting (The Disturbing World of Search Engine Terms)

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This past week, I noticed a little spike in my blog hit numbers. At first I was happy – who doesn’t like seeing their hit totals go up? With further research, though, my enthusiasm dwindled. All I had to do was look at my Google Search Engine Terms, and my nice hit bump was explained.

426 of my total views this week came from people who Googled the word “Sex.” Yes, sex. Nothing more specific than that. I’m not sure if they were looking for advice, porno, prostitutes, sex offender registries, or information about the saxophone and misspelled it. Whatever it was, they Googled plain old  “Sex” and somehow that led them to my blog.

“So,” my girlfriend asked me, “you’ve been writing a lot about sex?”

No, I don’t think I have. Apart from a post about music lyrics and maybe a few jokes, I don’t think I’ve written about sex at all. Then we got to wondering how many Google pages one would have to go through, having searched the word ‘Sex,’ before he or she (likely he) would end up on my blog. We decided to check it out. We Googled “Sex” and scrolled through page after page. 45 pages later my blog still hadn’t come up, and we were bored by that point and quit.

How many pages of Sex are these people going through? What kind of time do they have? Why don’t they refine their searches? I would think that if someone is still reading after 45 pages of sex, that person is a serious danger to society. Now I like sex as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is David Duchovny), and there’s no way I could read 45 Google pages of it and still want to keep going. That would be sex overdose. Even in my teen years, I tried to limit my Internet sex searches, as I didn’t want to spend too much time erasing my history.

After that, I decided to see what other Search Engine Terms had brought people to my blog. The results were disturbing, but in an enjoyable way, kind of like hearing Sean Hannity talk. Since I’m such a nice guy, I thought I’d share some of my favorite – and most horrifying – Search Engine Terms from the last week.

I want a foot licker” – What, is my blog a genie bottle? Your wishes aren’t getting fulfilled here, Dr. Scholl’s, and please don’t try to rub me.

Ketchup is naughty” – I feel whoever thinks this is projecting. Is ketchup really naughty, or do you just want it to be naughty?

XXX peanut comics” – Disgusting. Maybe I could understand Blondie or Hagar the Horrible.

Asses Sculptures” – Sadly, I do have this on my blog. Seek and ye shall find, Asses-Art-Lover!

Chinese girl with white penis” – Hmm, is it a Chinese girl having sex with a white man that you want? Or is it a tranny, or are you looking for a Chinese girl who happens to have a white penis that she keeps in her cupboard or under her bed or something? The possibilities are endless.

Gay dog gives man blowjob” – Does the dog really have to be gay? If you were to stumble upon, say, a female dog or even a straight dog doing this, would you hit the back button and continue searching? Plus, just out of curiosity, does the man have to be gay as well as a the dog? I like that you seek consent in your animal porn, you sick bastard.

Street fight of little elf people” – Actually, that does sound entertaining. And I think it’s a little racist that my blog on Korean street fighting came up.

Femstache fetish” – Well, at least I learned a new term. Maybe you should get together and hang out with the guy who wants a Chinese girl with a penis.

I think I have more than one nipple” – Just guessing, but I think you do too.

In a way, I’m glad that I’m getting an assortment of eccentric people visiting my blog, although I’m sure they left disappointed. In closing, I’m leaving a link for future Search Engine Term friends. I hope you’ve enjoyed my blog, and you might also find it beneficial to click here. Peace!

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39 thoughts on “45 Pages of Sex and Counting (The Disturbing World of Search Engine Terms)

    • Haha – I like how you prefer your spam to be in your native tongue. Let me try to translate the other ones. I’m guessing they say something like: “Thanks for this information. I’ve been looking for awhile now for information like this. This is a very good article. Thank you for such valuable information.” Or something like that. : )

  1. Ms Jen X

    Wow! I’m going to write my own sex article and wait to see what happens.
    By the way, I the pictures you used are hilarious!

    • Yeah, Ms. Jen X (maybe add to more of those Xs) writes a sex article? You will blow up for sure. Your numbers will explode like you just got Freshly Pressed or something.

      Heck, I’d read it. Thanks for swinging by Jen X! You rock!

  2. However, having now tagged this post under “sex” I imagine that you’re going to get a lot more hits. The other issue may be that people in different countries get different results when they do a google search – perhaps in some obscure place deep in the back waters of Obmbuduu typing in “sex” brings up topicless bar. Well, at least it will now…

    • Yeah, I did that as an experiment. So far, the “sex” crowd has remained about the same. If my blog is what passes for porn in Obmbuduu, that must be a very sad place.

      What exactly is your gravatar pic? I keep looking at it. I’m puzzled. That’s not a real human being, right?

      • Intriguing, there must have been some kind of social media galvanization to search for sex and come to you. Well, different strokes for different folks I suppose – if people can fantasize about veggies…sky’s the limit!
        On the one hand, I’m glad you’re looking at my pic, on the other I’m concerned that you don’t think it’s human. That’s me. In a hat. At an angle. (Assuming what I see is what you see, and not that odd triangle Picasso thing that was up for a while)

      • Bahahaha – maybe I need to make the picture bigger! Well, if that’s you, then you’re really beautiful! And I love the hat. I thought maybe it was a mannequin…so if they ever decide to remake that flick from the 80s, I encourage you to go audition, Silvia!

  3. I never think to look at what Search Terms bring folks my way – and it shows in my measly stats. I should just start tagging everything “sex” and “breasts”. When the sex and breasts crowd arrives in my little corner of the web they will be disappointed, but at least my stats will spike!

    • Lol! Exactly! I also get about 10-20 hits a day from people looking up “sexy asian girl” or some variation of that. So maybe you can write a post about latinas and that’ll be good for about 15 hits a day, then the next day do one on ‘ebony beauties,’ then…i’m not sure…white women? You will have the most popular blog on WordPress.

      Keep on keepin’ on, John!

  4. E.

    it’s been a while, Bill, but i can see that you’re still as hilarious as i remember. congrats on the spike, for either sex or sax will do : D

  5. I too, have gotten a little excited about the hits ” spike “. My site name gets searches such as, “old fannies “, “little fannies ” , they make me laugh, then some, make me think……fanniesyouaunt.wordpress.com, it’s GENEALOGY!!!

    • That’s kind of gross that people are looking for old fannies! Well, maybe you need to switch the theme of your site from genealogy to gynecology. Just kidding. That would be no fun. Take care, Patricia!

  6. Well, whatever it takes to get the traffic right? As look as google thinks your blog is a treasure chest of dirty stuff, your stats should have no problem skyrocketing. (No offense to your writing, though!)

      • Yes, absolutely. Gotta give the people what they want, right? If they want 45 Shades of Grey (that’s the name of the book, right?), then I can try to get smutty too…

        What am I talking about? I’m selling out! Oh no!

        You’re a bad influence. Hey, I’m not sure how to break apart your name – I want to say A Parn Auteur, because I know what an auteur is…but I don’t know what parn means. Is it a play on porn??? Oh, you’re A Porn Auteur! Awesome!

      • hehe! That’s quite a creative deconstruction of my name; the truth, however, is nearly not as interesting. Aparna is actually my first name :)

  7. yeah it happened to me too when I blogged about an NHL player posing nude in a magazine. As they say: “Sex sells.” & even on blogs it sells viewers apparently. This post will probably boost ratings for you even higher. hehe :p

    • Yes, sex is what they’re looking for. I encourage everyone to write at least one post about sex just to improve the ratings for a little while…until word gets out that there’s no real sex going on. And then you have to rely on things like wit and content again. Life is so hard!

      Peace Lamberta!

    • Lol! Good point! Hearing about breast removal procedures is probably not what they’re looking for. But hey, it does them good in the long run. You’re making the world a better place.

      I do not believe you didn’t intend a pun there, Pink. ; )

  8. here, based on our new-found knowledge, let’s goose the stats for this post too! sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup sex breasts ketchup

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