No, I Have No Expereince in this Field, But I’ve Studied It Thoroughly By Watching TV

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Seeing that my work contract will expire in about two months, it would seem like a good time to start looking for a new job.  Most people, when faced with the prospect of looming unemployment, tend to do things like sending out resumes and filling out applications.  That approach, while proven to be effective, leaves me cold.  I prefer to sit in my apartment and watch movies and let the jobs come to me.  As of this writing, I have not received any job offers, but that should change.  Employers just need to start looking a little harder and they are sure to find me.

Once in awhile I start feeling froggy and I look at job listings online.  It’s a good way to see what’s out there.  Doing this got me thinking, though, that job listings themselves could be much more helpful if employers described what they were looking for a bit better.  I don’t mean in terms of job qualifications; management, like a Hollywood casting director, surely has something in mind before they start interviewing, and it would be nice to know what that is.  In other words, there must be someone who fits the part, not simply looks wise, but in terms of personality also.  Because jobs are not only titles – they’re roles, too.  While I could get hired for the same job as anyone, it would be very unlikely that we would fill it the same way.  We would more likely create our own distinct roles out of it, just like how two people can sing the same song and both versions can sound different.   

Let me give you an example.  I see a lot of listings for “Teacher.”  Sometimes it will say “English Teacher” or “Math Teacher” or maybe “Qualified Teacher.”  That’s fine, but what role is the employer really looking for?  I would prefer to see something like this:

Wanted: Bright-eyed, Optimistic Young Teacher Fresh out of College Wanting to Make a Difference.

See, if that’s what they’re looking for, I would not apply for that job.  However, I might later see this:

Wanted: Disillusioned Veteran Teacher, Tired of the System, Looking to Teach Lessons and Otherwise Be Left Alone.

Perfect!  Now THAT’S a position I would apply for!  I could fill that role perfectly, like a screenwriter wrote it with me in mind.

There are other roles I could fill that don’t have to do with teaching.  There are arenas of employment where I would fail as a normal worker but excel if expected to fulfill one specific function.  Since I watch a lot of movies, I am hyper aware of what these are.  So listed below are a few positions I could surely fill with gusto, audacity, and exuberance:

“Don’t worry – it’s a toy. My kid traded me it for my real one.”

Wanted: Cop Who Breaks All the Rules

Normally, this cop is a real badass, like Dirty Harry or Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.  I could absolutely break all the rules, although I might go a different route with it.  For instance, maybe I wouldn’t get to work on time.  There might be grammar mistakes in my reports.  As I don’t have the capacity to kill, I would carry a toy gun.  Maybe I would forget my badge and have to flash my Costco card.  Things of that nature.  At the end of the day, rules would certainly be broken.  That’s what’s important.  Never mind that no arrests were made. 

“Hello. I’m Jell-o. What’s your favorite flavor of me?”

Wanted: Mad Scientist

Could I be a scientist?  No freaking way.  I don’t understand things like chemistry, physics, gravity, how to turn on a light, and apart from taking some shots at bars during college, I have no test tube experience.  That said, basic scientific knowledge is not required for a scientist who is “mad.”  All I would have to do is bleach my hair white and make it huge and frizzy.  I’d have to have a lab coat and a hunchback to assist me.  I could make talking Jell-o or something, which wouldn’t be hard, as I’d only have to throw my voice and have the hunchback manipulate the Jell-o from the ceiling with strings.  The downside is that I’m not sure how much money I would make, and therefore I might not be able to afford the hunchback or the Jell-o.

Wanted: Novice Defense Attorney Who Believes in Justice to Defend Innocent Man

This is the easiest job on the planet.  Yes, it looks bleak, as I, the Novice-Defense-Attorney-Who-Believes-in-Justice, have the odds stacked against me.  True, although my client is innocent, there is a ton of manipulated evidence.  I’m not worried.  I only have to be patient and wait for this to transpire:

JUDGE: May the Prosecution call the next witness.

WITNESS: Yeah, I saw the defendant…he had a gun…

DEFENDANT/MY CLIENT: (Jumps up in a rage) He’s LYING!  That never happened!  He’s a liar!

JUDGE: Sit down!  You’ll have your opportunity to speak.  Counsel (speaking to me), if there’s another outburst from your client, I’ll have to hold him in contempt of court.  Now let’s have the witness continue.

WITNESS: – says another lie –

DEFENDANT/MY CLIENT: (Jumping up again) LIES!  Who told you to say these things!  LIES!

JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order!  Order!

See, once that happens, it’s over.  Everyone knows he’s innocent after that.  Look at the passion he proclaims his innocence with and his refusal to be silenced!  I don’t even have to do anything.  The contempt-of-court-proclamation-of-innocence scene always sways the jury.  And then, once he’s freed, my belief in the system will be affirmed and I can lose my next 40 cases a happy man.

WANTED: Hooker with a Heart of Gold

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want this job, but I think I’d be good at it.  I listen.  I can be gentle and tender.  If you cry, I will not laugh at you until you leave.  And I would charge fair prices, especially if you are a broke mad scientist or hunchback trying to pay with talking Jell-o.

There are many roles in life we can fill.  It takes some creativity and maybe a few more adjectives in the listings.  Two months until unemployment?  I scoff.  It’s two months until endless opportunity, my friends.

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22 thoughts on “No, I Have No Expereince in this Field, But I’ve Studied It Thoroughly By Watching TV

    • Poor? Yes. Unloved? Absolutely. Revolting? Without a doubt. Loyal? I suppose they need to be. We need to start giving our hunchback population a little love.

      Good to hear from you, Karin! So happy you’re not pregnant! Oh, what a dumbass I am!

  1. “Two months until unemployment? I scoff. It’s two months until endless opportunity, my friends.”

    -I should tell this to my mother. 1 more semester and I’m over college so hello unemployment. in my case it’s 1 more sem until endless opportunity~

    • Lucky you! That’s exciting. Out of curiosity, what’s your degree in? It’s not THAT hard to find a job…although I say you milk post-college unemployment for all it’s worth. When I graduated, I seriously just sat on my parents’ couch and watched black and white movies for 8 months. I’m not sure how they felt about my time spent on the “job search,” but I enjoyed it. : D

  2. Hmm… I recently went through 6 months of endless opportunity! Although, it did get boring after awhile, and left me completely broke. But if it wasn’t for being unemployed, I never would have decided to make my own cleaners, etc. :) Huzza!

    • That’s interesting – maybe unemployment is a GOOD thing for a person. I never would’ve gotten into teaching if I didn’t become unemployed for awhile after moving states; you made your own cleaners. I think it’s possible that a certain personality type needs a period of desperate job seeking to figure things out right. Wow, I’m super positive about unemployment today. See how I feel about that in a few months. haha

      Peace, Diva!

  3. Ha! Love the title! and the attitude! The jobs should come look for you – exactly! and they really should tell me what they’re looking for. Now if you’re looking for some chirpy optimist please tell me right away and I shall not waste my time typing and your time reading. Anyway! Good luck with your new opportunities!

    • Hey, Rustic! Strangely, when it comes to my competition for overseas teaching jobs, I have way more credentials and experience. So I’m not particularly worried about finding something. Hopefully this won’t fall under the category of hubris.

      Always a pleasure my friend!

  4. The first part…haha…I had the same attitude then. Two months before my contract expired late last year, all I did at home was watch Koreanovelas until the wee hours of the morning and I enjoyed every moment of it.

    With the job listings I browsed through for the last months, I was also wondering the same thing. A job should be like a dress or jeans. You buy those that fit you and not the other way around where you work hard trying to fit yourself inside that dress or jeans. Am I making sense here? Haha….

    I think I would have been a great scientist…haha..(in my dreams!) I was very good in chemistry in high school and in college. Sometimes I wonder how I got perfect scores on my exams. But then, there’s no use crying over spilled milk.

    And with the Wanted Hooker thing…hhmmm…tempting. :P

    • Hey Jeps! Yeah, it’s tough to believe the contract is really ending. Seems like it’ll go on forever. I’m sure you know that feeling. I can’t seem to envision the last day. Weird.

      I like your jeans analogy. Very true – you should find a job that fits and not try to squeeze into one. Would a cool job be the equivalent to skinny jeans? Maybe that would be a trendy job. And a really crappy menial job would be like K-Mart Wrangler jeans. Did you have Wrangler in the Philippines? My mom worked at K-Mart when I was growing up, so I knew Wrangler all too well.

      Peace, Jeps!

      • Oh yeah! I know the feeling. A few weeks before my last day at work last time, I sometimes find myself staring at the window and wondering where in the world would I get another job? Sometimes, I would find myself crying because I have come to love Singapore and I didn’t want to leave just yet. Hehe…my sister was even teasing me then. She said, when I first landed in SG, I wouldn’t stop crying because I wanna go home, but now that my contract is expiring, I wouldn’t stop crying because I didn’t want to leave. How ironic!

        Yes, it is weird. I don’t know what to expect then but my co workers, the elderly whom I was taking care of, and my friends all exerted a lot of effort to make me feel liked or loved for the span of time I was with them. Very overwhelming actually. :)

        Yes, we do have Wrangler here. :) But sometimes, my aunt/uncle or grandma would send my brothers or father some wrangler jeans too from the US. Maybe it’s from K-Mart too. I assume you also had a few pairs of them when your mom was working there. :)

      • Haha, I love the jeans analogy too. A crappy, menial job (of which I am no stranger) could also be like, say, Toughskins. Anyways, in the fall, I will be ending many months of “endless opportunities” to be a…crossing guard. This is supposedly until I can finally apply for teacher certification in my state, once I pass the Mathematics content exam…it’s been brutal. Good luck with your job search, topicless. There’s something out there for you :)

      • Absolutely. A few months ago, I couldn’t wait to get out of Korea, and now I’m looking at positions so I can stay. Go figure.

        Hey, I think it’s awesome you found a place that you’re really fond of. I didn’t feel that way at all leaving Charlotte, North Carolina. Although I was sort of sad leaving there as well. Hmm. Maybe leaving is just sad in general.

      • Impy! Crossing guard? That sounds super interesting. Wait, what is a crossing guard? Does it have to do with traffic or with boats? Maybe I’m thinking coast guard…it’s late. My brain stopped working hours and hours ago.

      • LOL, topicless! I will be helping the little knee high nosepickers cross the street in front of the school. I’ll have an ill-fitting neon vest to wear for dry weather and an iller-fitting neon rain jacket for wet weather. I’ll also have a giant stop sign on a stick and a police cap. This will actually be my second stint doing this work. And, I think that opening an unemployment office is HILARIOUS!

    • Haha – Yeah, just like there must be one lonely warden with superb ethics who gets mocked by all the sadistic ones. It must be painful to deviate from all the expectations that come from hack screenwriters.

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