The Nipple Post

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It is a widely known and highly documented fact that most animals require an astonishing, jaw-dropping amount of nipples.  I did a little research on nipple abundance, and learned that cats have eight of them.  Rats clock in with a whopping twelve nipples.  I don’t even understand how all those nips can fit on one body.  A dog also has 8, but the crazy thing is that the dog has nipples on three different parts of its body.  God got to the dog and decided to spread those babies out all over the place, like he was playing the devil in a game of Nipple Battleship.  I’m thankful that at least my nipples are concentrated in one area; I’d feel a bit odd if I had nipples on my kneecaps or one on each butt cheek.  And a pig – fasten your seatbelt, friend – a pig has up to sixteen nipples.  Sixteen!  Can you imagine that?  That’s more nipples than I see in the average Skinimax movie!

Meanwhile, the craziest of animals, the duckbilled platypus, has no nipples at all.  It and the Barbie Doll are the only nipple-less mammals known to man.  Drawing the next logical conclusion, one can also assume that Barbie, being a nipple-less monotreme like the platypus, also reproduces by laying eggs.

“B15, Abdomen.” “Hit! You’ve sunk my areola!”

I write about this small yet fascinating part of the body because just the other day I had a unique and somewhat disturbing incident with my nipples in the shower.  That sounds strange – don’t be mistaken, I was in the shower too.  It wasn’t just my nipples in there.  But let’s stay focused, people.  While those other animals need their nips, I personally have little use for mine.  Before going on, I must provide some short background information detailing how I went to the beach almost a year ago and grossed everybody out.

Does this occupation require a shirt? No? Then I will consider being a rock star.

Some men – such as Anthony Kiedis and Iggy Pop – absolutely love not wearing a shirt.  In fact, I think that’s why they got into rock music to begin with.  It wasn’t so much the music itself, but instead they looked at several occupations and deduced the shirt-to-no-shirt-wearing ratio.  Clearly, “rock musician” came out with a favorable score and thus they took singing lessons.  In second place, if you’re curious, was “lifeguard.”  I am a teacher, and that job ranks near the bottom in shirt-to-no-shirt-wearing ratio.  It’s pretty much exclusively all shirt.  Hence, it is perfect for me because I, unlike lifeguards, don’t like to take off my top.  Speaking of lifeguards, they have those at the beach, and almost a year ago I went to one of those.  In a rare instance of body bearing, I removed my shirt.

“Whoa dude!” a friend said.  “You gotta do something about those nips.”

“What you talking about, Willis?” I asked in response.

“You got mad hairy nipples, man.  That shit’s nasty.”

I tried to brush it off.  “Girls like a hairy chest.”

“A hairy chest, yeah…but you don’t have any hair on your chest at all!  You just got long ass hairs growing out of your nipples.  Shit!  They look like they have eyelashes!”

At the conclusion of the conversation, we agreed that I’d have to start shaving my nipples.  I’m not sure if a lot of people do this.  It struck me as a bit odd, but it was preferable to having ape nips.  So I did; every two or three days I’d quickly shave up in the shower.  I was struck by how much better my nipples looked, and started to think that one day I could indeed realize my dream of having a pacifier modeled after me.

Flash forward to a few days ago.  With the passing of time, I’d gotten lazy and had forgotten about my nipple hair issue.  However, my recent attempts at muscle gain have led to lots of disappointing flexing in the mirror, and I noticed that again my nipples were looking a bit like Vince Neil circa “Dr. Feelgood.”  Big hair.  The next morning I decided to do something about it, and that’s when I had my little slip up.

I’m not sure how many people can relate to this, but I cut myself shaving my right nipple.  I knew I’d nicked it the second it happened.  A thin line of red liquid trickled down my chest and it looked like I was lactating blood.  Then I thought, “Hey, I wonder if there’s ever been a scene in a vampire movie where the vampire mother lactates blood for the cute little vampire baby.”  I thought that would be neat; like most of my ideas, I acknowledged that it’d either been done before or, if not, the reason it hadn’t been done before was because it was really stupid.

A bat’s nipples are located in its armpits.  That must be a really uncomfortable part of a vampire’s transformation from person to bat.  Massive nipple displacement.  It would be especially awkward if the nipple never returned to its true position and was subsequently hidden, for some period of time, lost in a massive sea of underarm hair.  I guess it wouldn’t really matter – vampires, like a lot of us, don’t really need ‘em anyways.

(One final sidenote: While looking up slang terms for nipples, I found a list that said the #1 slang term for nipples is…”The Pointer Sisters.”  I subsequently felt I should share that.)

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44 thoughts on “The Nipple Post

    • Why thank you! “Sunshine” is by far my favorite Archies song, and I’m happy to be nominated for an award that I assume is named after it. In all seriousness, I do appreciate it Brook – mighty kind of ya! : )

    • Pretty clever, right? Wish I came up with that on my own. What did the Pointer Sisters sing? I have no idea. But I’m glad they sang something, because otherwise their name could not be used as an excellent nipple reference. : D

    • Your nipples must be pretty happy now. It’s kind of a high point in the life of a nipple, I guess, after one bears a child. For years they’ve felt unimportant…and now, they feel like a vital part of the workplace. That makes me feel good about life. : D

    • Sup Courtney! Seriously, how many shirts do you think Kiedis owns? Maybe one? For emergency situations only – like weddings or funerals.

      Thanks for the comment, One Week To Crazy. : )

  1. Now this is NICELY DONE topicless! You made my day. I was laughing in front of my laptop that my brothers think I’m going crazy. And I admire your courage to post this one. Hehe

    You’re lucky you did not shave off your nipple.

    After studying zoology and anatomy in college, and after this post, I realized how smart God is for creating body parts in all the right places and in the right amount. :)

    • “You’re lucky you did not shave off your nipple.” Yes, I’m very thankful for that. That would be a tough one to explain. And, more importantly, I’m not sure what I would’ve done with the nipple itself once it was off my body. Maybe I’d turn it into an eye patch for that kid from the last post. What kid wouldn’t want to impress his peers with an authentic nipple eye patch?

      Ugggh, just woke up. What the heck am I talking about?

      • i’ve had better days but this nipple post sure took some steam off things, thank you. you’re brilliant ‘bloggin’ buddy’! (liked the sound of that)
        have a great weekend bill :)

  2. When I read about your cut nipple episode, it made me cringe about as much as the scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin, when Steve Carell’s character has his chest waxed. Also, my nipples are not located in my armpits.

    • LOL! Impybat! You have pit nips! I’m so sorry for you.

      And any time I can get mentioned in the same breath as a 40 year old virgin, I feel pretty good about myself. Woot woot!

      Peace, Impy!

  3. I never thought hairy nipples could be a woman’s issue, but practically women have to shave almost everything to begin with. I was very informed & found it interesting of the locations of all the nipples in the animals you mentioned. :)

    • Haha – Hey Lamberta! I’m glad that I’ve opened the hairy nipple discussion up so that the sexes can get a better understanding of each other. I’ve heard women sometimes get hairy nipples but have never seen this. Maybe it’s a good thing…perhaps it would start kids flossing at a very early age. Just a thought.

      Hey, in all honesty, I’m a little behind on your blog and must catch up. Dang girl, you put up like three posts a day! You’re outta control!!!

      • lol. Oh… well I probably won’t have much energy to write after I start working at the chicken factory, so I’m writing as much as I can before I’m too “dead” to do it. I’m probably going to have to work on my breaks in a notebook or something.. You’re so funny, I even read what you responded to me to my mom & she almost died. hehe.. :D

      • Chicken factory? Oh, this sounds amazing. What exactly is a chicken factory? Will you be killing chickens? I wouldn’t have it in me.

        Oh, that was your mom? Hahaha – amazing!

  4. This is an awesome post. It should be freshly pressed, it’s so good. I’m sorry for your unfulfilled vampire dreams and your nipple.

    Imagine though, if you were a female bat shaving your pits. There’s a skill…

    • LOL! Could you imagine if they Freshly Pressed this? I’d be mortified. It would be the worst reaction to being Freshly Pressed ever. Some people get Freshly Pressed for writing deep, insightful things…and I’d be the guy who wrote about the ear hoodie, cough drops, and how he cut himself shaving his nipple. Where’s my Pulitzer???

      Seriously, though, thanks a ton for the positive feedback. And for the image of a female bat shaving her nipples. Think she’d use a straight razor or an electric one? That’s one to ponder, eh?

      • I could imagine it. I did imagine it. I imagined a resurgence in nipple awareness across the interwebs. Men the world over realising that they are not alone, that there are other men out there WITH NIPPLE HAIR! Men who also like cough drops…it would be like the Divine Brotherhood of Chinopants.

        – straight razor. The electric razor would arouse the suspicion of highly judgemental bats in the cave.

      • Gosh dangit! Must vent – this is the third time I’ve tried to respond to a comment and the Internet kicked me off and didn’t post it. Perhaps the lesson is that I shouldn’t be responding to comments at work.

        Anyways, you’re cracking me up and I shall now go check out your blog. Assuming it is of high quality, I grant you permission to pen Divine Brotherhood of Chinopants yourself. : D

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