The Incoherent, Rambling, Stream-of-Conscious Valentine’s Day Post
Who says a single guy can’t be happy on Valentine’s Day? I tell you who – radical Islamists. They hate Valentine’s Day. Think you hate it, with your groaning over how obnoxious it is? Well, you don’t truly hate it that much. Go to Iran and you’ll see that your Valentine’s Day hate is superficial and based solely on the fact that you have a big silly crush on your buddy’s girlfriend. You jealous bastard, find your own girl! Leave Jesse’s alone! (Yeah, your friend’s name is Jesse, of course) (Why can’t I find a woman like that?!). Anyways, the point is that the Ayatollah Khamenei dislikes Valentine’s Day more than you do. He has never exchanged heart candies. Know what would happen if someone gave him heart candies? He’d smash them and put a fatwa on that person’s head. One minute you’d be asking the Ayatollah if he’ll be your Valentine, the next thing you know you’re in hiding somewhere in Sri Lanka.
I personally love the heck out of Valentine’s Day. That’s right – there’s no bitterness here. I love everything about it: the Valentine’s cards that have superheroes on them for no apparent reason, Valentine’s balloons, chocolates that come in a big red heart shaped box, everything. It’s excellent. Yeah, so I don’t have a girl to have an intimate dinner with, followed by some snuggling and the viewing of a nice romantic movie like, I dunno, Blue Valentine or something. It’s fine. Sports teams have rebuilding years, and that’s what I’ve got going on. It’s all about next season. It’s worse, I think, to be in the beginning of a relationship when Valentine’s Day hits. That’s like going into war with no boot camp to prepare you. I would feel silly, sitting there and pretending to be all hearts and roses when I’d know that only a few months ago it was Halloween and my girl was dressed like a slut and probably slept with a random stranger in an attempt to fulfill some sick Jack Sparrow fantasy.
You know what I want to try and bring back this Valentine’s Day? Being someone’s secret admirer, that’s what. Nobody seems to do that anymore. I guess online dating is kind of similar (Hey, I saw your picture…I like you), although the online person still has an identity and isn’t working totally incognito. It must be a lot of work nowadays to be a secret admirer. I mean, with call ID and with email being pretty easy to trace, it’s not as easy as it used to be. You’d have to be dropping off handwritten notes all the time, and even that’s tricky with security cameras all over the place. It would take major dedication. And maybe a mask.
Hopefully all the work wouldn’t be for naught. The idea of having a secret admirer was pretty exciting when I was a kid – girls would get all starry eyed and anxious wondering who their mysterious Casanova was. Now I fear a girl would be creeped out by it. “Oh God, Becky! I have a secret admirer! I’m going to start carrying mace and a taser!”
The iffy thing about a secret admirer is that it’s usually someone the girl knows, expressing himself in a passive aggressive way. That might not fly with women today. It shows a lack of confidence. “Listen, I wanted to approach you and ask you out, but at the time I felt the best way would be to get a track phone and call you anonymously, with a sock pressed up to the mouthpiece to distort my voice. In retrospect, it was bad judgment on my part. Can we still do coffee?”
I’m skeptical on secret admiration working out, so maybe I’ll flip the script and surprise some lucky lady by being her blatant admirer. I’ll call all the time and constantly post about how gorgeous she is on her Facebook wall and wear a t-shirt with her picture ironed onto it. I think she’ll be flattered. I’ll even scream like a ten-year-old-girl at a Justin Beiber concert when the object of my affection walks (or runs) by me.
On second thought, maybe it would be better to stick with the sock and the track phone.
Whatever. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m single and happy. Here’s to all the couples and to all the singles out there, and especially to all the people admiring someone secretly. I love you all!
Yup, even you Ayatollah! Happy Valentine’s Day!